Procrastination

So it is 2:26am as I sit here writing this blog post for you all. Just another way of me procrastinating. So far I have completed two exams last week, one which I am very disappointed in and the other was okay. Then today, or technically yesterday I completed two more exams, one at 4:00pm and one at 6:30pm. And guess what! I have another exam at 9:45am! So what am I still doing up? I am studying...or pretending to at least.

After my last exam of the day I took a break and chilled, meaning eating a toasted bagel with cream cheese and strawberry jam and cuddling with my boyfriend. And then I pretended to study while surfing the net until floor meeting. After floor meeting there was 15 more minutes of cuddle time before curfew where I did some more internet stuff, saved all the documents I wanted to read for my history exam tomorrow. I then set about trying on my Halloween costume, after roping my roommate into doing the same, I finished up an energy drink as I tidied up a bit and then once again attempting to study I showed my wonderful roommate, Kathryn a bunch of videos from my first year at University. And so I have wound up here.....but honestly....how am I supposed to study?! I have already studied so much my head may explode....actually I think it may already have and now it is like a deflated balloon.....I can't fill it again. Yay for History that requires a lot of memorization. Oh well, I'm not tired so I will still get a good amount of studying in (too bad I'm a bit sick....thanks roommate...I had given it to you for a reason!). Actually I doubt I will sleep tonight, I may have to drink some Orange Pekoe tea (my favorite) or maybe another energy drink (my second full one in my life! within 5hours!) but at least my head will contain some knowledge that will be gone by 11am tomorrow!

So how are your exams going? How do you study?

Stable Unstability

Due to the lack of internet connection and time I have not been able to keep up-to-date on my lovely blog here even though I have had many that I would have loved to write. But finally I am in the midst of unpacking my room in residence, preparing for my second year of University and finally adding some stability to my life.

Over this summer I have done a fair amount of traveling, spent multiple nights in several different places, even settle down in several places for a while...only to have to get up, move and have to settle down again. And over the course of this summer I have finally discovered that I actually NEED some source of stability in order to survive.

I made many good memories and had a lot of fun throughout the summer but for some reason....as I lay on my bed writing this post....all I can really think about was how stressful and tiring this summer was.

Now time to start school...and for some reason I feel that it might be more relaxing then the summer even though I am taking 5 courses, 1 lab and choir each semester.

When I Was a Kid...

Pluto was actually a planet

Oreo's only had one flavour (what's with the vanilla?)

All meals were bought and made by mom

Popcorn came only two ways, salted or plain, no fancy flavourings

My hardest decision was which friend was going to come over for a sleepover

$20 as a birthday or Christmas present made me the richest person in the world

We played cassette tapes and had tape recorders, none of these cds, mp3 players or ipods

There was no such thing as blue-ray or dvd’s, just video tapes

We played hopscotch, hula-hoop, jump-rope and actually played baseball instead of using a Wii, playstation, gamecube etc.

We used film in our cameras instead of digital...one chance was all you got and then you’d have to hope you got a good shot

No one worried weather Ernie and Bert were gay...they were brothers or close friends on a permanent sleepover

When I was a kid the world was simple and innocent, much like my life.....so can you remember some of what life was like when you were a kid? How has it changed?

Ways to Amuse Yourself While Working at a Blueberry Stand

#1 Count cars........one car...........(three hours later) two cars

#2 Read a book (yes I am getting paid $10 an hour to handle money, blueberries but mostly to read)

#3 Count people.....but silently....they don’t always like being counted

#4 Lure Yoda to the fruit stand and pick the burs off him

#5 Play “I Spy” with yourself...I’m never gunna guess what I’m looking at!

#6 Make up excuses to have to go and drive the Gator (the golf cart type vehicle)

#7 Write a blog post on how to amuse yourself while working at a blueberry stand

Yep.....Thats what I've been doing for most of the summer! And did your summer go? Or how is it still going?

Ways to Amuse Yourself While Working On a Blueberry Packing Line

#1 Count the Berries......hmmm....there MAY be too many to that up for long...

#2 Count how many stems and bad berries the person beside you missed! Haha...ha...oh...its not that funny when they do it to you too....

#3 Make shapes and designs out of the blueberries...preferable if the next person in line is your friend

#4 Make hearts and x’s and o’s for the next person in line....generally only good if it’s your boyfriend or girlfriend...otherwise refer to #3 otherwise it could be awkward.....

#5 Find a bunch of berries with stems and put them in a row for your friend down the line and watch as the rush to try to get them all! (I’m so nice ;P)

#6 Sing or hum Phantom of the Opera quietly...who cares if you forget part or awful at it,no one can really hear you over the hum of all the machines anyways

#7 Replay cartoons, movies or TV shows in your head....just remember to stay focused as well

And thats what I have been doing for part of the summer, what about you?

Quickie

Okay so this blog post will have to be a quickie as I quickly finish up all my online business in the Starbucks of Safeway. I really should write my blogs beforehand so that when I get a chance like this I can actually post them all online.

I have now been on Vancouver Island for one week to the day and have had a cold/flu a week from tomorrow. Yet I haven't let me get that down! I have walked down to the beach on four days and have the sun burns to prove it, but the sun tan as well! I am going to have such a dark tan by the end of this summer.... :D I have also walked to church...a very long walk but that is a story for another time.

Of course what I am really looking forward to is Monday and Tuesday. On Monday my boyfriend is finally going to becoming to BC and I am going to see him and be spending the rest of the summer (and someday the rest of my life? :P) with him. I also will be heading to my future roommates place for a birthday party as well as spending the next day watching cartoons with my boyfriend and just hanging out and catching up.

So many things have happened this summer that have gone astray from how I wanted them to got. but in the end everything has worked out! Yay!!

So how is your summer going?

Quirky

I am quirky...or at least thats what I like to call my self. I am not weird or crazy, I'm just quirky. Random little things make me ridiculously happy, like blowing bubbles, biking through puddles and guess what? Scrubbing floors. I love to scrub, not mop, scrub, floors. I don't know what is so thrilling and exciting about getting down on my knees with a rag and a bucket of warm soapy water but I just love it.

Another quirk, there are certain times of night where I can't control my tongue. For example my boyfriend Jesse often phones me early in the morning as he walks to work and usually I am able to form coherent sentences and have an actual conversation....but sometimes I am not. Take last night for instance. I wasn't able to sleep so I watched Mamma Mia (which I loved by the way!) for the second time in the past couple days, on my laptop, talked to Jesse for the first time and then went to bed.....the second and third times he called I was so tired that I lost control of my tongue and started talking about random things from the movie that I had watched, the second time realizing part way through what was going on and spent about 3 minutes trying to shut myself up before I embarrassed myself further.

I also have this bad habit of not being able to remember sayings and metaphors once telling my sister that she was "off her cracker" instead of off her rocker and that she'd be the life of me instead of the death of me.

I have many other little quirks that just add to who I am. Yes, perhaps I am a crazy but you know what, I am unique and I'd like to see you try to make a copy of me...actually no I wouldn't, that might be a bit scary......

So what are some quirks that you have? What makes you unique?

Friends

Well its time for another midnight post! Either that or I am just not able to sleep and need something to do.....

Every once in a while one of my friends will do something totally unexpected that makes me stop and think "You know, I have really good friends." I don't know whether it is that I pick really awesome friends or they pick me (because I am just that awesome....or my quirkiness doesn't scare them off) but I must say that my friends are awesome and I will be proud to brag about them.

My friends care for me, yes they tease me and sometimes for the most outlandish reasons but they are almost always able to make me laugh. Yet while I am able to have fun, my friends (my close friends at least) are willing to talk to me and give me advice and constructive criticism. They have a strong faith and they all have beautiful hearts (and they don't look half bad themselves ;) ) and I thank God for bringing them into my life.

So to my friends; if I have not thanked you and told you that you are awesome and you mean so much to me, You are awesome and you mean so much to me!

So have you thanked your friends lately?

Annoyance

Do you know one thing that really annoys me? When people talk about me when I'm not around, or more specifically when people talk negatively or criticize me when I am not around (I don't mind if you are saying nice things about me ;P). I am guessing most people feel this way, or just don't care, but this is one of the few things that really annoy me.

I guess my biggest problem with it is that I used to hate it when people criticized me or gave me advice because I felt that they were judging me and that basically I just wasn't good enough for them. Now I want to hear that advice because I know that often, while there might not always be total truth to what is being said often there is at least a hint of it and this advice will help me to grow. So how am I supposed to grow if you talk to everyone but me about the mistakes I've made or how I need to change? How is THAT of all things supposed to help me? And if it just so happens that what you are thinking and saying is more fiction then fact, what do you think you are doing to others opinion of me?

Last semester I had several of my friends who were a tad worried and upset about a relationship that I started rather hastily, and all things considered they were a right, but from my view then and now, it was the right place for me to be and still is. What was sad was that only a small amount of them actually approached me with their concerns and I am so happy they did and feel so loved by them. I now understand why most of them didn't talk to me about it (for reason like they didn't want to show disapproval or hurt my feeling etc) but back then I didn't understand especially when I heard through the grapevine that so-and-so said this or that. So I did the stupid thing, instead of talking to my friends about it I ran off and focused my attention elsewhere aka my new boyfriend (which only went to prove some points that they had made). Near the end of the semester I finally realized that oh....maybe I should go to my friends and talk to them about this and let them know that I want to hear what they have to say. So before school started I went to a couple of my closest friends and talked to them about my thoughts and feelings on the topic and they did they same. It was very freeing and I am sad that I didn't get a chance to talk or explain it to everyone.

So the lesson that I learned is that sometimes I need to ask for help or advice instead of expecting it to be given.....a lesson that I finally was starting to learn during my Grade 12 (Math made so much sense when you actually asked the teacher for help)

So what annoys you? What lessons have you learned lately?

Family

My oldest sister Tara has been visiting us over the past couple weeks and it has been wonderful! I have really missed her since I haven't seen her in over a year. Having a sisters that range from the 17-39 and a family that moves a lot we tend to leave a sister behind once in a while and while they usually come home for Christmas at least it has been hard for them to come out the past couple years as they both have pets and Tara spends and cooks Christmas dinner for her boyfriend and his grandmother.

Finally seeing my oldest sister makes me wish that I had spent more time with her when I could have and gotten closer to all my sisters. So I have decided that while I am in Calgary I am going to do what I can to occasionally make a trip out to visit her as well as make more of an effort to get closer to the rest of my sisters. Family is important to me, but it seems lately they have been taking second, third, or even fourth place in my life. I don't want to wake up one morning and find that I no longer have that family or have grown so far apart from them that it's like they are gone.

So how is your relationship with your family thriving?

Taking off the Mask

This is something that I have been thinking a lot about lately. And I am going to try to put my thoughts into words, I don't know how intelligible it will be and perhaps I will just end up running around in circles and if it just sounds like a bunch of gibberish I apologize, I would definitely not place myself among the intellectual of my friends (sometimes falling back to the "ignorance is bliss" saying when I don't want to have a deep theological talk with my friends) yet I don't think I'm shallow (at least I hope I don't come across that way ;P), I often just have trouble saying what I think and why I think it.

I am starting to see that life is just one huge masquerade. We get up ever morning and choose a mask to wear. Depending on the people we see we may change that mask, putting on one that will disguise us even more or one that is more revealing about who we truly are. Very rarely do we find a person who doesn't wear a mask at all.

In this day and age we seem to be almost encouraged not to be ourselves, we are bombarded from all sorts of different media telling us how we should look, dress and act and foolishly we believe it. We chase after someone else's version of who we should be and in the process we lose who we truly are.

Even in the Christian world we often cannot be who we truly are. As Christian we 'have' to be perfect people, we cannot let other people see the flaws that we have in case we give Christianity a bad name. But then in our intolerance for imperfection and our goals of being that ideal Christian we drive people away from the church. We are not a perfect people and our goal doesn't have to be an unattainable one.

The process of taking off our masks can be a painful one. I am sad to say that I have only ever taken off my mask completely to one person ever and it hurt something awful. It took weeks of striping away at my mask, slowly revealing who I truly was. And once I was done it was almost if I was standing there naked with my heart open saying 'here is my heart, accept at it or take a stab at it'. If this person had decided to reject who I was I would have to say that my life would be alot different that it is now, I would have rushed to replace my mask and added even more layers. But instead this person gathered me, and my heart, into their arms and loved me for who I was.

Yet I still have trouble, trouble revealing my heart, soul and mind to others. Yes my mask has thinned when I am around my close friends yet it is still there. There will always be parts of who I am that I will probably never share with others unless the situation presents its and even then there is the danger if they are not understanding that my mask will go on thicker then ever.

In conclusion, at least as best of one I can make, we all struggle with acceptance, how could someone ever like or love someone like me? So we become someone we are not just for the benefit of others. And in the process we lose ourselves.

My cry? You are a wonderful person, no matter what you have done. You have been made by God and you are loved by him no matter what you have done. If you are living a life that is pleasing to the Lord, one that is absent sin (that does not mean that you have to be perfect for we all have sin, but you have to be willing to see where you have gone wrong and change), then if someone cannot accept who you are and the mistakes you have made as a HUMAN BEING, then personally they are not true friends. I know who my true friends because they are willing to accept me for who I am. But how can they do that if they do not know who I am? For example, I tease other people and love being teased, but often I do not show people how sensitive I actually am. People will start to tease me and all of a sudden they say something that hurts me and instead of saying something I laugh and just add another layer on to hide my hurt. But I have come to realize that I must not lose WHO I am, the beautiful person that God made me, just to make other people like you.

Do not lose the beautiful person who you are just for the benefit of others, because, no matter what people say, YOU, my dear friend, are beautiful and if other people can't see that well that is their loss.

People might think that the saying "be yourself" is over-rated but personally it is under-rated for how many people follow that advice?

Stereotyped

My sister made a remark earlier in the week, mostly out of humour but it is so true. Both her and I are members of three stereotyped people. We are first of all adopted, second of all pastors kids and third of all we are homeschoolers. Combine that in to one person (or actually two since its both of us) and you have a person that everyone thinks they can understand and explain. So just because I was adopted into a pastors' family and homeschooled my whole life means that you can understand me? Ha! Fat chance! So this blog will be devoted to me clearing up the stereotypes I have been placed in and maybe you'll get to know a little bit more about who I am as a person and not just someone who fits into a category.

Of course going to University this year the pastors' kids stereotype wasn't that bad because a good number of the kids were either a pk or mk. But I have had other instances when people have found out that I am a pk and instantly put me into this group. I am a pastors kid so I have to be perfect, I have to act a certain way and the way that I act is because I am a pastors kid and not because it is actually who I am. Oh and I am going to rebel. Just because I am a pk, I am going to end up rebelling and doing something stupid because all pk's do it eventually right? Because we are so confined we are going to runaway from all that and become someone totally different, right? Wrong. Perhaps that is true about some, maybe many pk's but you know what? I act they way that I act because that who I am. Yes, alot of how I act is influenced by my parents and the church, after all I have people watching me to see if I screw up, as well as people who are watching me and wanting to be like me (like the kids in the preschool class that I worked in). So yes the church is influential in my life but it is not who I am.

Another BIG stereotype is being a schooled at home. One of my favorite videos about homeschooling is found here: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000161649158&v=box_3#!/video/video.php?v=126113226496&ref=share it's on facebook so I apologize to those of you who don't have facebook. I once had someone come down on me, actually my parents, because I was homeschooled. I was a bit shocked and so didn't have time to explain, plus we were in a group of people so a big arguement about me and my family wouldn't be the funnest way to spend the evening. But one reason that I was homeschooled is that in my childhood I had both ADD and ADHD which meant that it was really hard for me to go to school. For a period in grade 1 I actually did attend a Christian school but it was not a good experience for me and so my parents pulled me out. Yes being a pastors kid and homeschooled means that I am more sheltered then most, but you know what? I'm okay with that and I am so blessed that my mom put so much work into me. Unlike some kids, my mom refused to put me on medication to help with my ADD or ADHD problems and instead pretty much trained them out of me, helped me find ways to focus and concentrate. Also I am happy that I was protected from the world of school. I hear lots of bad things both from friends and the news and you know what? I don't believe you have to experience something to know whether it is right or wrong. When the time comes and you have Christ in your heart you will know what is right and wrong and how to handle it. Of course that is my thoughts. Also, unlike most homeschooled kids I did online school, which is actually becoming quiet popular. So I had real teachers, real tests, and I went to a school to do my provincials and I had a grad ceremony and have my grade 12 diploma just as if I had gone to a real school. And guess what? At the same time I was able to spend more time with my family and, if I was ahead in my studies (yes I had due dates as well) then I could take the day off. Oh and I never 'went to school' in my pjs and I worked on my classes from 9am until 3pm with a lunch break and a walk-the-dog recess. I'm a normal kid.

Adopted. Now this is an interesting topic. I don't often bring up this fact but it has come up more and more lately, mostly because people will ask how old my oldest sister is and when they hear she is 39 and that my youngest sister is 17 they usually get this funny look across their faces. Now one thing that I find both amusing and annoying is when people as "What does it feel like being adopted?" it both makes me want to laugh and glare and humourously answer "How does it feel to not be adopted?" I won't go into details now about my adoption story but I will tell you it is one of the foundations of my faith because I see it as a miracle in my life. My parents treat me and love me the same as one of their own kids and I love them and treat them the same as my own parents. Very rarely have I thought about me being adopted because I feel no different then you would feel living with your natural parents. Sure, unlike my little sister, I have memories of when I was a kid before being adopted (even though I was only 3) but I love my family now and as far as I am concerned they are my only and true parents.

So here I am.... yah, I am different then the average kid, sure I may be a bit weird, yes I can be naive but you know what? I wouldn't change my life for the world (its too messed up anyways :P). I am proud to be who I am and I am ME, not a pastors kid, not adopted, not a homeschooler but ME, those labels are only aspects of my life and not just who I am. Perhaps they have helped make me who I am but they are not me, make sense?

So what stereotypes are you in and how do you handle it?

Family Meeting

Several nights ago was a night of great release and understanding for me. I finally was able to talk to and explain my thoughts and opinions with my parents and they were able to do likewise.

Now I am sure we all have things that we wish to tell or ask our parents but we are too afraid to, afraid of what they might say or afraid of what they might do, that they wouldn't understand or maybe just not care. That's what kept me, and my younger sister, from talking to our parents about certain topics. We would talk to each other about them and we eventually resolved ourselves that our parents wouldn't understand and that maybe we would/could talk to them several years later..like after we moved out. Thankfully that didn't happen as we managed to talk with them long before then.

Because I know you are all dying to hear what it was that we talked about I shall give you a breif summary. For me it was dating and hanging with my guy friends. My parents couldn't see why I still was (seemingly) actively involved with my guy friends still, which included going to Japan next year with my 'brother' as I refer to him (and it wouldn't be just with him but with a group of friends). I was able to explian to my dad who wondered why I wanted to hang out with my guy friends right after I got home with my new boyfriend that I wanted Jesse to meet all my guy friends so he would know who I was hanging out with. I still wanted to hang out with my guy friends but the situations and times I would put myself in with them would change somewhat.....for them explaining this was important because times have changed since they were dating and at first they couldn't understand why I would find it important to hang out with my guy friends still. For example when I started dating and throughout my relationship my Brother continually checks up on me...if I never hung out with him one-on-one (with my boyfriends knowledge of course) then he would never have the opportunity to ask me about stuff like that.

The other major topic included individuality, as in music (my sisters topic) and clothing (mine). My clothing style has strayed a little from what my parents believed was right, and while in some ways I am not totally proud of it, in some ways I needed that. Once again we were able to explain how times have changed a bit and how different people view things differently and that does not mean that one person is wrong or less godly then the other one. For example my mom firmly believes that skinny jeans are a sin, that it is flaunting your body in a way you shouldn't. And for her, maybe that is the truth. But from living on campus I know people, strong godly Christians, who wear skinny jeans as if they were normal jeans and they do not see that as wrong. I was finally able to come to an agreement with my parents, they will not bug me so much about my clothes, I am 19 and can make my own choices. Instead of telling me that they don't like my clothes they will simply ask if I am comfortable wearing something that.....lowcut, tight, loose, etc. For me this was a wonderful thing, to finally feel that I could make a choice without my parents judging me (which they never did, but simply were trying to protect me).

That night we also talked about schooling, drinking and tatoos, not as a major topics but good ones none-the-less. My mom and I were finally able to figure each other out, with help from my sister....my mom found out that I often take advice personally while I found out that just because my mom was giving me advice did not always mean that she saw me doing something wrong or that I needed to be corrected but because she loved me and wanted me to know this so that when the time came I would have that knowledge under my belt.

I love my parents dearly. They have done their best to raise me as God's child and have given me everything I could ever need. We don't always see eye-to eye and I am sure there will be more disputes among us, we are humans after all, but it is comforting to know that my parents love me and care for me and that they do want to understand me.

So how is your relationship with your parents doing?

Real Food

Aaaahh......its been 5 days since my wisdom teeth have been pulled out, my painkillers are practically gone, the stitches are starting to fall out and everything is starting to heal....its good to be able to eat again. Not that I objected to only eating icecream, pudding (I have discovered that my favorite is banana!) and jello but after several days these special treats aren't so special and you start craving something with more substance.

Which makes me think about reading. I love reading, historical fiction and non-freaking mysteries are my favorites...and the typical girlie girl comes out and adds fairy tales to that list as well. Yet while fiction is great to read sometimes I find that I get tired of it and I crave something with more substance. I am starting to read a daily devotional book that I received at my graduation ceremony last year. I haven't gotten into the habit of reading it daily yet but I am working on it. Just like everyday we need to eat something that will benefit us and our bodies so we should be reading something that will benefit our minds and our souls too.

And in saying that I think I will go do my devotions before I read another chapter in the mystery book I am currently reading......

So what have you been reading lately?

Summer Plans

Well I had several plans for my summer. My plan A was to apply for jobs around spring break and hopefully have a part-time job that could become a full-time job during the summer, or maybe take a second part-time job if that didn't work out. I would live with several awesome girls from res and live right across from Walmart (yah!). Then I found out that I had to have my wisdom teeth out sometime in the early summer, my parents didn't want me to get a job during the school year (I needed to focus more on my studies, and they definitely right in this area) and they wanted me to come home for the summer.

Okay, so that plan didn't turn out. So I cam home and waited a couple weeks for my appointment with the dentist, I applied for about 20 jobs. Because it suddenly appeared as an option and my parents felt a bit better about it, I applied for a couple jobs on the Island where we used to live. One was at Butchart Gardens where one of my good friends worked, we thought that I might be able to live with her, but her family was downsizing their house and their grandparents were moving in so that was out of the question.

Next option: About 4 years ago my mom, sister and I all got jobs at this gorgeous organic blueberry farm. My mom suggest that I try to apply there again. Some reason feeling that this is what I needed to do I promptly googled the farm and emailed them. I got a quick response saying that they did have job openings. I then sent several questions about the job, pay and perhaps a place to stay and then.....heard nothing. Plan C was dead.

Plan D? My boyfriend was working in Edmonton at a job that was a little rough but it paid really well and they were looking for more workers and since his dad was connected with the company chances of me getting a job would be high. Now being a young girl in a city my parents thought it would be wise to either go with my sister or a friend. My friend just so happened was able to get a job volunteering with some vets and since it was something that would help her work towards her career I was happy for her and it was okay that she decided to not go. My sister pretty much was already accepted to be a paid worker at a summer camp, which she would enjoy much more then being stuck in Edmonton working. So part 3 of plan D? Find a place for me to stay on my own....only not on my own really because it just isn't that sensible for a young girl/women to be so close to her boyfriend of only a couple short months....not to mention having my own place...but then I don't want to live too far away from him in case someone follows me home or I have creepy landlords :P.....compromise? none to be found, at least not smart or reasonable ones!

Here I thought that my summer was not going to work out and then guess what! Plan C suddenly popped into the picture again! I was able to secure the job, and a place to stay with my old neighbors for really cheap! It was all looking super good until a couple hours ago. The job won't start for 2 months. And since it is only about a 7 week job (that still pays well) it throws a money wrench into the only part of the summer that I had really planned out and was hoping to fulfill. I was going to work until mid-August, go to E-town for a couple days (West Ed Mall here I come!), volunteer at a camp for a week with my boyfriend and leave for Calgary a week and a half early to get settled into the big city groove and hang with friends. So if I was to continue on with the plan I would only get about 4 weeks of work in and that isn't nearly enough to make it worth while.

Am I disappointed? Yes. Frustrated? Definitely was on Saturday. Now? Right now I am just wondering if God had been doing this all to me to try to teach me a lesson.....one that I had thought I learned a while back but I obviously haven't since I just realized it. I need to remember that yes, I can make plans but in the end I have to be willing to let those plans be led by God. Maybe if I had asked for God's advice and guidance before I wouldn't be so frustrated with how my summer has been going so far and maybe things would be making a lot more sense.

I know that my plans are not always God's plans and sometimes I hate that but my plans have been failing pretty much since plan A. Some may say that its because my parents have said this, that, and the other thing and because I am now a legal adult in both BC and Alberta I can make my own choices. But I greatly value my parents opinions, and as much as I sometimes don't like to admit it, they make great points and are often right, not to mention I wholeheartedly believe in honouring my parents and that God often speaks to us through other people in our lives. So personally that's not the issue here.

So God, if your reading this...I have learned my lesson. I am gonna stop trying to be a control freak with my summer, here I am now, taking a deep breathe and shakily opening my heart, mind and soul for your guidance.

Random....

I must say that I love doing fun quizzes and surveys....Yes I am wierd. But then it is a fun way to find out more about yourself and let others know more about you are. I stole this from a friends blog (hope you don't mind Katelyn!) and here is me!

Will you be single over summer?
Nope! Doing the long distance summer thing....its been two weeks and already I miss my boy so much. Yes i am pathetic, I know it and am not afraid to admit is

Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
Well the last person I kissed was my mother so the answer to that would have to be no.

Is there someone you want to fight?
Andrew Love! We still need our fight to the death.....

Where do you wanna live when you grow up?
Athens....I love that city....or maybe some place close to home...Or Calgary....Or an acreage on Vancouver Island...Or Vancouver sounds cool.......

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?
In Edmonton....way too far away for my liking

Would you date someone three years older than you?
Yes I would....although I have never dated anyone older then me (in my defense I have only ever dated twice and they have been less then a year younger then me!)

Would you get married if you could right now?
Yes I would :D

Do you consider yourself spoiled?
Spoiled but not spoiled rotten as I like to say!

Would you rather have your parents catch you having sex or smoking weed?
as a pastors daughter I would have to say neither.....both sound like bad ideas to be caught doing...or doing in general

Who were you last on the phone with?
Tara! My big sis!

Would you ever take someone back after they cheated on you?
Probably not.....only if I knew I could trust them and that they had changed and learned a lesson

Do you miss your past?
Some of it....We all have mistakes that we have made that we'd rather not relive but then I have had many great experiences and memories that I have loved and miss....it happens when you move an average of every 3 years

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
My mom? Yup! I love my mommy!

Ever been kissed by someone whose name starts with an R?
Hmmm.....Nope

Could you see yourself dropping out of High School?
Thankfully I have finished highschool and didn't drop out....and I don't think I could....

Would you ever get a tattoo?
Maybe...but it would have to have a really special meaning to it...and most likely would not be very big or noticeable...and I might pass out while getting it.....

Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?
Most definitely

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
I have never smoked so I would say I could

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Jesse! if online counts....otherwise it was my mother...Had a wonderful talk with my mom all morning

How was your weekend?
Okay....could have been better but what can you say after getting wisdom teeth out, taking pain killers, and trying to sort out jobs and living conditions as well as hang time with family, friends as well as that special someone?

What did you do yesterday?
Chilled...

Are you a mean person?
I would say no....I hope you think so....

According to your ex, are you a bitch?
I would say no

Do you ever get "good morning" texts from anyone?
Yes..I get "good morning beautiful" texts almost every morning.....

Where is your cell phone?
beside my bed which I am on

Who last texted you?
Jesse Schmidt

Have you done any thing embarrassing lately?
Not that I am aware of...

Are you a bad influence?
I think I am a good influence...unless my crazy and quirky ways around my friends can be considered to be a bad influence.... :D

Has anyone ever called you baby?
I don't think so....

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
Hmmmm....I think Jesse

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow?
Only long enough to swallow a painkiller pill for my missing wisdom teeth

What is something you disliked about your day?
The fact that I have no idea when my job will start and if I will be seeing much of my family, friends or boyfriend this summer

Did you date anyone last summer?
Not really..I started dating about 2 weeks before summer was over.

Do you hate being alone?
Sometimes...I love being with people that I love but sometimes I just need some private time

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
same thing as now...blogging in bed

Excited for anything?
My sister coming home from a weekend away, finding out when I start my job and sorting out holidays and days off.

Have you ever dated the same person twice?
Nope...Considering there has only ever been 2 guys over about 8 months

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
My sister....she can make me laugh even through texts....

Did anyone yell at you out of a window today?
Nope

Did you have a good day yesterday?
Nope, frustrating day with painkillers, emotions, and jobs and housing, or lack of it

Did you fall asleep in someones arms last night?
Nope

Whats the next big life decision you will have to make?

Where to work and live for the summer

Do you want to please everyone?
Often...but I am getting better at that

How many people have you hugged in the past week?
about 4 differnt people...home is so much more quiet then at school....

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Most likely.....sadly

Do you laugh a lot?
I'd say so!

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Yes

What are you craving at the moment?
Shrimp, Pad Thia, mashed turnip with butter, pepper and salt, ham....real food. Icecream and pudding are fun but after a few days you start to miss real food

Are you in a good mood right now?
Yes

Who can always cheer you up?
My little sis or Boyfriend

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
Yes

Who was the last person you sat on the couch with?
hmmm....my best friend I think

What is bothering you right now?
Not knowing the detail of my summer..and its already several weeks into it!!

Did you take a nap today?
kinda....didn't sleep but chilled

Do you think you would be able to handle being in the military?
I think so!! :D

Would you rather have the ability to fly or the ability to read minds?
Read minds...but then be able to turn it off it I wanted to...otherwise fly

Last place you held someone’s hand?
Greyhound Bus stop

Would you date someone who lived in another province?
I am

Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
If you mean a friend then Yes, if you mean love then No. Not all people were meant to Marry (such as Paul in the Bible)

Missing You

So I haven't been updating my blog a lot lately but with my wisdom teeth putting me outta commission temporarily I have some free time. I have finished my second semester and first year at University. And in retrospect I have had a wonderful year.

Hightlights would consist of:

• Building Snowmen - my fun friend Michelle and I had fun in the snow and built a handsome snowman, unfortunately he was drop-kicked and destroyed (which kinda looked cool but when you spend several hrs working on a master piece you don't want to see it destroyed right after) but a bunch of our awesome floor brothers helped us recreate him. A while later Michelle, Heidi and Andrew K. and I all make a huge snow woman who must have been about 9feet tall. Andrew, who was tall had to stand on a chair and stretch to fit the head on. Lots of fun in the snow!
• Christmas Banquet - while I didn't go with a date I went with some awesome friends and the theme of the banquet was awesome! It was a Maquerade! Like from phantom of the Opera! I had fun with it and made my own dress (which was technically an assignment for my Theatre Class) and a cool matching mask. The food was awesome and the entertainment was entertaining!
• LotR- Yes I watched Lord of the Rings for the first time in my life as well as several other movies that I have never seen and people are shocked to hear that...and there are many movies to go...any suggestions?
• Boyfriend - definitely a highlight, I started dating this guy who is commonly known as Pajama Boy for wearing pajama pants to school. He is also known to be one of the kindest guys you will ever meet and is just a sweetheart. I have also found out that he is a very fast runner and will follow through with his threats...the reason I have been thrown into a snowbank about 3 times....I guess I might have deserved it.....
  
• Brother - I got a brother this year! Being 1 of 4 daughter I have no brothers but was adopted by Andrew Love as his little sister...who is only a couple months younger then him. He scolds me when he needs to, we have fun coffee times, are still planning a fight to the death (him being a vampire and me being a werewolf and all [previous blog post explains that]) and I make him laugh and give into almost anything with my cutsie girl act (why doesn't this work on Jesse though?) NOTE: My brother is not to be confused with my sisters 'brothers'. Her brothers are not mine, mine is not hers and neither of her brothers or mine are related to each other. Simple as that.
  
• Friends - Friends as always are fun. I have been teased for almost every reason, mostly by my roommate and an old friend from camp. Together my friends from Ambrose have had awesome times as we have played many different games, shared jokes, gone on hikes and just grown together. I also had an awesome time when my Abbotsford friends and a friend from Vancouver Island came to visit me!
• Playing Sports - Every semester we had at least 1 intermural sport. I was involved in both flag-football where I had the joy of scoring my first ever touch down again my profs (yes we get to play our profs in our school - beat that!) and futsal (indoor soccer) where I had fun playing as much as I could and getting some really nice bruises. Also throughout the year it was fun to play futsal, basketball and frisbee with my friends and schoolmates!
• Coffee Times - Waves Coffee House was finished and ready for business in the second semester and I must say that it was an awesome place to go to for a nice cup of white hot chocolate (YES!!) and a nice long talk with my sister, my brother, my friends or just on my own to study.
• Growing - Finally (because there are many other highlights but these cover the majority I suppose) I found that it was fun to see how each of my friends grew in their own ways, how their lives changed, some in big ways some in small. I also found that I grew in many ways too....all but in height that is. Ambrose was a great time of learning more about who God wanted me to be as a student, friend, sister, and as myself. I learned many valuable lessons both in the class room and out of it and am glad that I decided to come here

I have really enjoyed my first year as a University Student, from staying up for all hours, going to a pub for the first times (for cheap chicken wings and coke instead of beer of course), to hanging with friends to going for walks and talking to God. Ambrose has been a place of Love, Laughter and Learning and this summer I am really missing everyone and everything there but am looking forward to the new memories, adventures and lessons that the new school year will bring.

So how was your year? What were your highlights?

I Lost My Wisdom....

...teeth. Well actually I didn't loose them I had them pulled out. It was actually very nice. I must admit I was not a fan of the fact that my wisdom teeth were coming out but because they were starting to get infected where they had not yet surfaced (part of all four had pierced through my gums) and some were actually starting to wear away at my jaw bone.

I used to joke with my friends who would tell me that I would most likely be awake while they pulled my wisdom teeth that I would put up a bit enough fight that they would HAVE to knock me out to pull them out but thankfully I didn't have to go through with it because I was knocked out for the event.

Heading into the office I was asked to lay down. I was given an IV, and due to my experience (ahem, one time) in giving blood the IV was no biggie for me......and then I had a clip on my finger to measure my heart rate and given an oxygen tube.

After sitting in the chair for a while the doctor came in and with a "Goodnight Irene" put a needle (or two) into my IV. I waited a couple minutes and nothing seemed to happen and then next thing I know I was opening the door of my dad's car back at home....Whoa! I totally forgot getting out of the chair...leaving the building, by a different way too so I wouldn't fall down 3 floors worth of stairs or my dad driving me home!

But besides that I am happy to say that now, over 12hrs later I still feel no pain (yay for pain meds!), the freezing is gone and I am looking forward to eating more icecream and pudding tomorrow :D

So do you remember what your wisdom teeth experience was like? If you were put out for it do you remember waking up or anything after it?

Laughter

Since I can't really focus on my New Testament paper for school I thought that I would write a quick blog post.

I have always enjoyed laughing, it seems to make you feel good and happy no matter how you are feeling beforehand. And then there are those people who can make you laugh no matter when or what is going on, which can be annoying if you want to feel angry or sad :P. So far in my life I have only come across two people who can always make me laugh and that is my little sister and my boyfriend.

Also lately it has come to my attention that I am ticklish. Now when I was a young girl i used to be extremely ticklish but as i entered my early teens i trained myself not to be ticklish, to the disappointment of a few. But for some reason I have been becoming increasingly ticklish...why? I do not know. There are times when I can keep my self from laughing and keep my cool but other times I start to head into a shrieking/gasping laugh as I struggle for air.

So who makes you laugh? Are you ticklish?

Caring

I am considered, or at least I consider myself to be a very caring person. I find that (besides spending time with my boyfriend) I get the most happiness out of serving and caring for others. March 14th was pi day and for it two guys and I made 4 pies. Bringing them to the 3rd floor prayer room in res we share them among our friends. I snatched up the job of cutting and dishing out the pie and whipped cream and I think that I enjoyed doing that even more then actually eating the pies.

Although one thing that I have found out about caring is that it sometimes can hurt. Sometimes people don't want you to care for them, or at least not in the way that you care. For example I have recently discovered that one of the ways that I care for people is by worrying about them. And maybe that sounds weird but for me it is a reality, if I care about you, I will worry about you. Yet some people don't like it when I worry about them. For a while I felt really hurt when people didn't like me worrying about them and I didn't know why until I found out that when people rejected my worrying I felt that they were rejecting my love, but this isn't true, at least not always. There are different ways to show I care and I think that I need to focus on those ways instead of worrying about people, it will probably make their lives a bit easier and it will definitely make mine easier.

So how do you show you care?

Fear

One of my favorite 'get-to-know-you' games that I love to play with new friends is a question game. One person asks a random question and both (or everyone in the group) has to answer the question, including the person who asked the questions. The questions range from being very random and funny to very serious. One question that generally always comes up and for me I have been asked several time over the last several months is "What are you afraid of". I never really know what to say about this but for some reason I have been thinking about this alot lately, what am I afraid of.

I am afraid of falling. I love heights and being high up but if I do not feel secure I do not like it. I hate the sensation of falling. For this reason I am not a huge fan of floors that move when you walk on them or that you can see through or stairs with the gaps between them (unless they are really secure like the ones here at my school) because for some reason I get the feeling that at any moment they might break and I might fall.

I am afraid of pain. I do not like to hurt, either physically or emotionally. My whole family will confirm when I say that I have or at least had a low pain tolerance. I remember as a kid getting a paper cut and almost passing out because it hurt a bit, also when I got my ears pierced I almost passed out....at age 15. Thankfully I am getting better at handling pain but I still don't like it.

I am afraid of not being loved, of being alone. This can be a serious downfall for me if I am not careful because, from my past, I know that I would be willing to change myself to be more loved. I am a very affectionate person so it hurts when I know people don't like me. This is something that I am constantly working on and I am getting better on thanks to the knowledge that God will always love me, but I am still afraid of the time when those I love may not love me back, which may be silly because I know that those who truely do love me would never do that, but it still is a fear for I know that if those I love ever no longer love me back, how will I ever be able to believe in love again?

I am afraid of broken promises. I am afraid that when people promise me something, that for some reason something will happen that they will not be able to fulfill their promises, that their promises will be broken. Little promises I am not that concerned about being broken, they still are important but it is the big ones that I am afraid of falling through the cracks. Similarly with the previous paragraph I feel that if these promises that are so important to me are broken, how will I ever be able to believe in them, both the promises and people who make them again?

Besides that I am not scared of things like others. Having a sister who loved the outdoors and creepy crawlies and lived in the country for several years, bugs and snakes and other things don't scare me. I am not afraid of animals or the dark, I don't get claustrophobic, I don't like being in small areas with a bunch of people but I can live with it. I am more afraid of the things that I can't see, I am afraid of the emotional aspect of life. Throughout my life I have been getting better at conquering these fears, but some of them I feel might always be there.

I must forever pray for God to give me strength and power over these fears so that I might not let these fears have power over me.

So what are you afraid of?

Happiness

What is happiness? True happiness? And how can you tell if you are truly happy?

When I was in my early or midteens I went through a period in my life where I tried to make it seem like I was always happy. I would refrain from showing any true emotion other then happiness. I could be angry or sad but you wouldn't be able to tell. I could be having the worst day of my life but if you were to ask me how I was doing I would have just smiled and say that I was doing great and then turn the topic to you and how you were doing and what was new with you. I was slowly adding layers onto my mask and eventually there were so many layers that were so thick that I no longer really knew what true happiness was.

During this time God really made himself known to me. It has been a slow process and even now I will struggle with being open with my emotions. I still occasionally stuggle with being more open with my emotions but it is something that I am working on and that God is helping me with and working on me through others who ask me how I am doing and who truely seem to care about me and how I feel, whether it is good or bad.

Lately I have been feeling really happy and this has caused me to wonder what is happiness? And what makes me happy? I think for me happiness comes from not being stressed, from feeling at peace with myself, with the people around me, and with God.

I find that when I am really happy, I get the giggles easily, I have a ton of energy, I am definately ticklish and I feel like I am on top of the world not matter what happens. And I have been feeling alot of this lately.

So what makes you feel happy and how do you show it?

Changes

Well it is only the second month of the new year and already so many of my plans and different aspects of my life has changed. Some of it has brought tears and frustration, some of it has brought smiles and laughter and some of it has brought both.

To summarize briefly, I broke up with the first boyfriend that I ever had and had been dating via long distance for 5 months, decided to stay out in Calgary for the summer (if I can find a job and actually start to earn some money) as well as maybe work at a camp out here, decided to make a program change (but to what I am not sure yet) and I started to date a guy out here. And everything that has been changing in my life I have felt that it has been a total God thing.

My former relationship was with a great guy with a great heart and love for the Lord and others but it was not where I was supposed to be and I was not able to handle the distance with so short of time that we had been dating and the personality that I have.

If God opens up a job out here for me it will just be further proof that this is where I should be as I already might have several friends who would be willing to rent a house with me this summer and the next school year, or I can just stay in res for cheap! I can also get paid to work up at a camp near here and the neat thing is that the camp is situated on a lake that I used to go to with my family when I was a kid.

I really feel called to stay at this school but I want to get started on a career so am going to change programs and have started a series of meetings with the career counselor here.

And my newest relationship, well I knew Jesse a bit last semester as we were in a group together for a school Halloween party and went to church together but this semester we really started to hang out together and he was really supportive and always there to listen and talk to, as well as give good Godly advice as I thought about school and my life and before you knew it we started dating and I feel that this is a good thing for me.

My life is still changing and most likely will continue to change and will always be changing. I just need to remember to incorporate God into these changes and hopefully they will be for the better and not for the worst. I need to make sure that I am opening my life up to the changes that God has in store for me and be willing to surrender everything that I have into his hands.

So what changes have you been experiencing in 2010?

Don't Wanna!

"BUT I DON'T WANNA!!"

Ever get the urge to scream those words? Or maybe just say them? We all have something that we don't want to do. And more likely then not we all have something that we don't want to do but we know that we have to do, or at least should do. I am having one of those times.

So is there something that you don't wanna to do? Whatcha gonna do 'bout it?

Hot Water and Masks

There is not much that I enjoy better then a nice long hot shower, unless it it a nice long hot bath with music, tea, cookies and a good book! Not only does a shower make you feel clean but I find it feels like the hot water is washing away my troubles and stress. It is a place that I can freely think, one of the places where I feel free to be 100% myself, whether that means that I am crying away hurts or humming and singing to my own little tune.

Sometimes it is nice to take off the mask that you wear around other people. Sure there may be some people who you act yourself around but are you ever 100% yourself even with them? We all seem to have some inner desire to want other people to like us, to have others think better of us and often we can doubt that the true us will do that.

I have slowly been working on taking off my mask layer by layer, but sometimes it feels like it has been glued on with superglue. So lately I have been taking lots of late night hot showers to comtemplate life, my life, my future, my friends, who I am and where I am going.

So is there a place that you like to go to think and just be yourself?

Letting Go Just To Hold On

Sometimes, when you hold tight you onto something instead of being able to keep it you end up losing it because your grip was to strong. Sometimes you actually have to let go of it to be able to keep it.

There is something that I need to let go of so that I can keep something special to me, but sometimes it is hard, it is hard to let go.

So are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?

Popping Bubbles

You know my very first blog post and this blog in general is about the bubbles that I have and will blow in my life, the memories that I will and have made and the experiences that I have experiences. Many of these bubbles have been happy as I continue my second semester at a Christian school 900+ kilometers away from home. But as will all things in life not everything is perfect.

Recently a bubble that I blew popped. Why? - maybe I had been squeezing it too hard or maybe just because it was time - however it happened I think I managed to get some of the soapy suds in my eye. So what am I going to do now? What do you do during the tough times in your life? Well I have several solutions. I can pretend that all is well and that I am not hurt and put on my 'I'm terrific, how are you?' and forget about myself and my problems like I have been prone to do in my past. I can bury myself in my school work and just withdraw from other things - after all it would be nice to bump up my 2 C's and 1 C+ to somewhere in the B or even A range this semester. Or maybe I can just accept the fact that I am hurting, deal with it and yes perhaps even lead a normal life. That last one sounds like the best but it also sounds like the hardest considering my habits over the past several years involved me hiding aways anything that would make me feel or give the impression that I am less then happy. But do you know what? It is okay to hurt - if is a fact of life, and sometimes its okay to be selfish and think about yourself once in a while.

I have pin pointed why I feeling so confused last last week and dealt with it and now that I have I think I will continue to journal. Not only is it a good excuse to go over to the coffee shop next door and order my favorite drink of White Hot Chocolate but it helps me to have a sense of peace and it a way that I really enjoy talking to God.

Anyways - back to homework and this tasty chocolate cake with marvolous icing and a cherry filling!

So what do you do when your 'bubbles' pop?

New Year

It is the begining of a new year, a new semester and lately I've been thinking.......actually I don't know what I have been thinking lately - lately my brain has been feeling like it is outta comission, that is isn't really working or that part of it has taken a holiday and left me behind.

Ever get that feeling?

On a side note I have started to journal again. I used to journal almost everyday and then stopped for a year and then started again - did that a couple times until I stopped a couple years ago. I have always found journaling a great way for me just to understand how exactly I am feeling and thinking, understand it better, and, if it is anything less then postitive, deal with it. I also find it a great way to talk and think about things that I wouldn't share with others. I'm not journaling everyday but just when I feel like it and I have found that it is very peacefull and helps me to clear my head and feel less stress.

So do you journal? Why or why not? How do you deal with emotions that you don't openly share with others?