Family Meeting

Several nights ago was a night of great release and understanding for me. I finally was able to talk to and explain my thoughts and opinions with my parents and they were able to do likewise.

Now I am sure we all have things that we wish to tell or ask our parents but we are too afraid to, afraid of what they might say or afraid of what they might do, that they wouldn't understand or maybe just not care. That's what kept me, and my younger sister, from talking to our parents about certain topics. We would talk to each other about them and we eventually resolved ourselves that our parents wouldn't understand and that maybe we would/could talk to them several years later..like after we moved out. Thankfully that didn't happen as we managed to talk with them long before then.

Because I know you are all dying to hear what it was that we talked about I shall give you a breif summary. For me it was dating and hanging with my guy friends. My parents couldn't see why I still was (seemingly) actively involved with my guy friends still, which included going to Japan next year with my 'brother' as I refer to him (and it wouldn't be just with him but with a group of friends). I was able to explian to my dad who wondered why I wanted to hang out with my guy friends right after I got home with my new boyfriend that I wanted Jesse to meet all my guy friends so he would know who I was hanging out with. I still wanted to hang out with my guy friends but the situations and times I would put myself in with them would change somewhat.....for them explaining this was important because times have changed since they were dating and at first they couldn't understand why I would find it important to hang out with my guy friends still. For example when I started dating and throughout my relationship my Brother continually checks up on me...if I never hung out with him one-on-one (with my boyfriends knowledge of course) then he would never have the opportunity to ask me about stuff like that.

The other major topic included individuality, as in music (my sisters topic) and clothing (mine). My clothing style has strayed a little from what my parents believed was right, and while in some ways I am not totally proud of it, in some ways I needed that. Once again we were able to explain how times have changed a bit and how different people view things differently and that does not mean that one person is wrong or less godly then the other one. For example my mom firmly believes that skinny jeans are a sin, that it is flaunting your body in a way you shouldn't. And for her, maybe that is the truth. But from living on campus I know people, strong godly Christians, who wear skinny jeans as if they were normal jeans and they do not see that as wrong. I was finally able to come to an agreement with my parents, they will not bug me so much about my clothes, I am 19 and can make my own choices. Instead of telling me that they don't like my clothes they will simply ask if I am comfortable wearing something that.....lowcut, tight, loose, etc. For me this was a wonderful thing, to finally feel that I could make a choice without my parents judging me (which they never did, but simply were trying to protect me).

That night we also talked about schooling, drinking and tatoos, not as a major topics but good ones none-the-less. My mom and I were finally able to figure each other out, with help from my sister....my mom found out that I often take advice personally while I found out that just because my mom was giving me advice did not always mean that she saw me doing something wrong or that I needed to be corrected but because she loved me and wanted me to know this so that when the time came I would have that knowledge under my belt.

I love my parents dearly. They have done their best to raise me as God's child and have given me everything I could ever need. We don't always see eye-to eye and I am sure there will be more disputes among us, we are humans after all, but it is comforting to know that my parents love me and care for me and that they do want to understand me.

So how is your relationship with your parents doing?

Fear

One of my favorite 'get-to-know-you' games that I love to play with new friends is a question game. One person asks a random question and both (or everyone in the group) has to answer the question, including the person who asked the questions. The questions range from being very random and funny to very serious. One question that generally always comes up and for me I have been asked several time over the last several months is "What are you afraid of". I never really know what to say about this but for some reason I have been thinking about this alot lately, what am I afraid of.

I am afraid of falling. I love heights and being high up but if I do not feel secure I do not like it. I hate the sensation of falling. For this reason I am not a huge fan of floors that move when you walk on them or that you can see through or stairs with the gaps between them (unless they are really secure like the ones here at my school) because for some reason I get the feeling that at any moment they might break and I might fall.

I am afraid of pain. I do not like to hurt, either physically or emotionally. My whole family will confirm when I say that I have or at least had a low pain tolerance. I remember as a kid getting a paper cut and almost passing out because it hurt a bit, also when I got my ears pierced I almost passed out....at age 15. Thankfully I am getting better at handling pain but I still don't like it.

I am afraid of not being loved, of being alone. This can be a serious downfall for me if I am not careful because, from my past, I know that I would be willing to change myself to be more loved. I am a very affectionate person so it hurts when I know people don't like me. This is something that I am constantly working on and I am getting better on thanks to the knowledge that God will always love me, but I am still afraid of the time when those I love may not love me back, which may be silly because I know that those who truely do love me would never do that, but it still is a fear for I know that if those I love ever no longer love me back, how will I ever be able to believe in love again?

I am afraid of broken promises. I am afraid that when people promise me something, that for some reason something will happen that they will not be able to fulfill their promises, that their promises will be broken. Little promises I am not that concerned about being broken, they still are important but it is the big ones that I am afraid of falling through the cracks. Similarly with the previous paragraph I feel that if these promises that are so important to me are broken, how will I ever be able to believe in them, both the promises and people who make them again?

Besides that I am not scared of things like others. Having a sister who loved the outdoors and creepy crawlies and lived in the country for several years, bugs and snakes and other things don't scare me. I am not afraid of animals or the dark, I don't get claustrophobic, I don't like being in small areas with a bunch of people but I can live with it. I am more afraid of the things that I can't see, I am afraid of the emotional aspect of life. Throughout my life I have been getting better at conquering these fears, but some of them I feel might always be there.

I must forever pray for God to give me strength and power over these fears so that I might not let these fears have power over me.

So what are you afraid of?

WHY?

Time for another midnight posting. Yes I know it is not midnight right now but in Alberta (my second home) it almost is and I feel like it is midnight and once again my thoughts are going deep.

Why? Why do we think so much? Like I know that we have brains and thinking is good, but is is possible to think to much? IS there such a think as over-analyzing something and at what point is it healthy to think about something and at what point does it become over-analyzing?

Maybe I am just a tad prejudiced about thinking because it is not something that I do much - I mean not something that do it purposefully just for fun. I don't see the point in philosophizing about the finer points of life or debating about minor (or major) details. I don't know why we have to know everything about how the world works, how life exists and why. I understand that some of this is good and that perhaps most of it is good but have we gone to far in trying to figure out the structure of the universe?

Is ignorance bliss? and is okay to be ignorant? Is it weird to know that you are ignorant and like it? I know that I am ignorant of many things, and some of those things I am happy that I don't know a ton about.

Maybe I am thinking too deep again...maybe that's why I have a headache (or maybe it is just a cold that I am catching)....

So what do you think about philosophy? And am I making any sense (and do I ever make any sense?)?