Taking off the Mask

This is something that I have been thinking a lot about lately. And I am going to try to put my thoughts into words, I don't know how intelligible it will be and perhaps I will just end up running around in circles and if it just sounds like a bunch of gibberish I apologize, I would definitely not place myself among the intellectual of my friends (sometimes falling back to the "ignorance is bliss" saying when I don't want to have a deep theological talk with my friends) yet I don't think I'm shallow (at least I hope I don't come across that way ;P), I often just have trouble saying what I think and why I think it.

I am starting to see that life is just one huge masquerade. We get up ever morning and choose a mask to wear. Depending on the people we see we may change that mask, putting on one that will disguise us even more or one that is more revealing about who we truly are. Very rarely do we find a person who doesn't wear a mask at all.

In this day and age we seem to be almost encouraged not to be ourselves, we are bombarded from all sorts of different media telling us how we should look, dress and act and foolishly we believe it. We chase after someone else's version of who we should be and in the process we lose who we truly are.

Even in the Christian world we often cannot be who we truly are. As Christian we 'have' to be perfect people, we cannot let other people see the flaws that we have in case we give Christianity a bad name. But then in our intolerance for imperfection and our goals of being that ideal Christian we drive people away from the church. We are not a perfect people and our goal doesn't have to be an unattainable one.

The process of taking off our masks can be a painful one. I am sad to say that I have only ever taken off my mask completely to one person ever and it hurt something awful. It took weeks of striping away at my mask, slowly revealing who I truly was. And once I was done it was almost if I was standing there naked with my heart open saying 'here is my heart, accept at it or take a stab at it'. If this person had decided to reject who I was I would have to say that my life would be alot different that it is now, I would have rushed to replace my mask and added even more layers. But instead this person gathered me, and my heart, into their arms and loved me for who I was.

Yet I still have trouble, trouble revealing my heart, soul and mind to others. Yes my mask has thinned when I am around my close friends yet it is still there. There will always be parts of who I am that I will probably never share with others unless the situation presents its and even then there is the danger if they are not understanding that my mask will go on thicker then ever.

In conclusion, at least as best of one I can make, we all struggle with acceptance, how could someone ever like or love someone like me? So we become someone we are not just for the benefit of others. And in the process we lose ourselves.

My cry? You are a wonderful person, no matter what you have done. You have been made by God and you are loved by him no matter what you have done. If you are living a life that is pleasing to the Lord, one that is absent sin (that does not mean that you have to be perfect for we all have sin, but you have to be willing to see where you have gone wrong and change), then if someone cannot accept who you are and the mistakes you have made as a HUMAN BEING, then personally they are not true friends. I know who my true friends because they are willing to accept me for who I am. But how can they do that if they do not know who I am? For example, I tease other people and love being teased, but often I do not show people how sensitive I actually am. People will start to tease me and all of a sudden they say something that hurts me and instead of saying something I laugh and just add another layer on to hide my hurt. But I have come to realize that I must not lose WHO I am, the beautiful person that God made me, just to make other people like you.

Do not lose the beautiful person who you are just for the benefit of others, because, no matter what people say, YOU, my dear friend, are beautiful and if other people can't see that well that is their loss.

People might think that the saying "be yourself" is over-rated but personally it is under-rated for how many people follow that advice?

Family Meeting

Several nights ago was a night of great release and understanding for me. I finally was able to talk to and explain my thoughts and opinions with my parents and they were able to do likewise.

Now I am sure we all have things that we wish to tell or ask our parents but we are too afraid to, afraid of what they might say or afraid of what they might do, that they wouldn't understand or maybe just not care. That's what kept me, and my younger sister, from talking to our parents about certain topics. We would talk to each other about them and we eventually resolved ourselves that our parents wouldn't understand and that maybe we would/could talk to them several years later..like after we moved out. Thankfully that didn't happen as we managed to talk with them long before then.

Because I know you are all dying to hear what it was that we talked about I shall give you a breif summary. For me it was dating and hanging with my guy friends. My parents couldn't see why I still was (seemingly) actively involved with my guy friends still, which included going to Japan next year with my 'brother' as I refer to him (and it wouldn't be just with him but with a group of friends). I was able to explian to my dad who wondered why I wanted to hang out with my guy friends right after I got home with my new boyfriend that I wanted Jesse to meet all my guy friends so he would know who I was hanging out with. I still wanted to hang out with my guy friends but the situations and times I would put myself in with them would change somewhat.....for them explaining this was important because times have changed since they were dating and at first they couldn't understand why I would find it important to hang out with my guy friends still. For example when I started dating and throughout my relationship my Brother continually checks up on me...if I never hung out with him one-on-one (with my boyfriends knowledge of course) then he would never have the opportunity to ask me about stuff like that.

The other major topic included individuality, as in music (my sisters topic) and clothing (mine). My clothing style has strayed a little from what my parents believed was right, and while in some ways I am not totally proud of it, in some ways I needed that. Once again we were able to explain how times have changed a bit and how different people view things differently and that does not mean that one person is wrong or less godly then the other one. For example my mom firmly believes that skinny jeans are a sin, that it is flaunting your body in a way you shouldn't. And for her, maybe that is the truth. But from living on campus I know people, strong godly Christians, who wear skinny jeans as if they were normal jeans and they do not see that as wrong. I was finally able to come to an agreement with my parents, they will not bug me so much about my clothes, I am 19 and can make my own choices. Instead of telling me that they don't like my clothes they will simply ask if I am comfortable wearing something that.....lowcut, tight, loose, etc. For me this was a wonderful thing, to finally feel that I could make a choice without my parents judging me (which they never did, but simply were trying to protect me).

That night we also talked about schooling, drinking and tatoos, not as a major topics but good ones none-the-less. My mom and I were finally able to figure each other out, with help from my sister....my mom found out that I often take advice personally while I found out that just because my mom was giving me advice did not always mean that she saw me doing something wrong or that I needed to be corrected but because she loved me and wanted me to know this so that when the time came I would have that knowledge under my belt.

I love my parents dearly. They have done their best to raise me as God's child and have given me everything I could ever need. We don't always see eye-to eye and I am sure there will be more disputes among us, we are humans after all, but it is comforting to know that my parents love me and care for me and that they do want to understand me.

So how is your relationship with your parents doing?

I Lost My Wisdom....

...teeth. Well actually I didn't loose them I had them pulled out. It was actually very nice. I must admit I was not a fan of the fact that my wisdom teeth were coming out but because they were starting to get infected where they had not yet surfaced (part of all four had pierced through my gums) and some were actually starting to wear away at my jaw bone.

I used to joke with my friends who would tell me that I would most likely be awake while they pulled my wisdom teeth that I would put up a bit enough fight that they would HAVE to knock me out to pull them out but thankfully I didn't have to go through with it because I was knocked out for the event.

Heading into the office I was asked to lay down. I was given an IV, and due to my experience (ahem, one time) in giving blood the IV was no biggie for me......and then I had a clip on my finger to measure my heart rate and given an oxygen tube.

After sitting in the chair for a while the doctor came in and with a "Goodnight Irene" put a needle (or two) into my IV. I waited a couple minutes and nothing seemed to happen and then next thing I know I was opening the door of my dad's car back at home....Whoa! I totally forgot getting out of the chair...leaving the building, by a different way too so I wouldn't fall down 3 floors worth of stairs or my dad driving me home!

But besides that I am happy to say that now, over 12hrs later I still feel no pain (yay for pain meds!), the freezing is gone and I am looking forward to eating more icecream and pudding tomorrow :D

So do you remember what your wisdom teeth experience was like? If you were put out for it do you remember waking up or anything after it?

Fear

One of my favorite 'get-to-know-you' games that I love to play with new friends is a question game. One person asks a random question and both (or everyone in the group) has to answer the question, including the person who asked the questions. The questions range from being very random and funny to very serious. One question that generally always comes up and for me I have been asked several time over the last several months is "What are you afraid of". I never really know what to say about this but for some reason I have been thinking about this alot lately, what am I afraid of.

I am afraid of falling. I love heights and being high up but if I do not feel secure I do not like it. I hate the sensation of falling. For this reason I am not a huge fan of floors that move when you walk on them or that you can see through or stairs with the gaps between them (unless they are really secure like the ones here at my school) because for some reason I get the feeling that at any moment they might break and I might fall.

I am afraid of pain. I do not like to hurt, either physically or emotionally. My whole family will confirm when I say that I have or at least had a low pain tolerance. I remember as a kid getting a paper cut and almost passing out because it hurt a bit, also when I got my ears pierced I almost passed out....at age 15. Thankfully I am getting better at handling pain but I still don't like it.

I am afraid of not being loved, of being alone. This can be a serious downfall for me if I am not careful because, from my past, I know that I would be willing to change myself to be more loved. I am a very affectionate person so it hurts when I know people don't like me. This is something that I am constantly working on and I am getting better on thanks to the knowledge that God will always love me, but I am still afraid of the time when those I love may not love me back, which may be silly because I know that those who truely do love me would never do that, but it still is a fear for I know that if those I love ever no longer love me back, how will I ever be able to believe in love again?

I am afraid of broken promises. I am afraid that when people promise me something, that for some reason something will happen that they will not be able to fulfill their promises, that their promises will be broken. Little promises I am not that concerned about being broken, they still are important but it is the big ones that I am afraid of falling through the cracks. Similarly with the previous paragraph I feel that if these promises that are so important to me are broken, how will I ever be able to believe in them, both the promises and people who make them again?

Besides that I am not scared of things like others. Having a sister who loved the outdoors and creepy crawlies and lived in the country for several years, bugs and snakes and other things don't scare me. I am not afraid of animals or the dark, I don't get claustrophobic, I don't like being in small areas with a bunch of people but I can live with it. I am more afraid of the things that I can't see, I am afraid of the emotional aspect of life. Throughout my life I have been getting better at conquering these fears, but some of them I feel might always be there.

I must forever pray for God to give me strength and power over these fears so that I might not let these fears have power over me.

So what are you afraid of?