Annoyance

Do you know one thing that really annoys me? When people talk about me when I'm not around, or more specifically when people talk negatively or criticize me when I am not around (I don't mind if you are saying nice things about me ;P). I am guessing most people feel this way, or just don't care, but this is one of the few things that really annoy me.

I guess my biggest problem with it is that I used to hate it when people criticized me or gave me advice because I felt that they were judging me and that basically I just wasn't good enough for them. Now I want to hear that advice because I know that often, while there might not always be total truth to what is being said often there is at least a hint of it and this advice will help me to grow. So how am I supposed to grow if you talk to everyone but me about the mistakes I've made or how I need to change? How is THAT of all things supposed to help me? And if it just so happens that what you are thinking and saying is more fiction then fact, what do you think you are doing to others opinion of me?

Last semester I had several of my friends who were a tad worried and upset about a relationship that I started rather hastily, and all things considered they were a right, but from my view then and now, it was the right place for me to be and still is. What was sad was that only a small amount of them actually approached me with their concerns and I am so happy they did and feel so loved by them. I now understand why most of them didn't talk to me about it (for reason like they didn't want to show disapproval or hurt my feeling etc) but back then I didn't understand especially when I heard through the grapevine that so-and-so said this or that. So I did the stupid thing, instead of talking to my friends about it I ran off and focused my attention elsewhere aka my new boyfriend (which only went to prove some points that they had made). Near the end of the semester I finally realized that oh....maybe I should go to my friends and talk to them about this and let them know that I want to hear what they have to say. So before school started I went to a couple of my closest friends and talked to them about my thoughts and feelings on the topic and they did they same. It was very freeing and I am sad that I didn't get a chance to talk or explain it to everyone.

So the lesson that I learned is that sometimes I need to ask for help or advice instead of expecting it to be given.....a lesson that I finally was starting to learn during my Grade 12 (Math made so much sense when you actually asked the teacher for help)

So what annoys you? What lessons have you learned lately?

Taking off the Mask

This is something that I have been thinking a lot about lately. And I am going to try to put my thoughts into words, I don't know how intelligible it will be and perhaps I will just end up running around in circles and if it just sounds like a bunch of gibberish I apologize, I would definitely not place myself among the intellectual of my friends (sometimes falling back to the "ignorance is bliss" saying when I don't want to have a deep theological talk with my friends) yet I don't think I'm shallow (at least I hope I don't come across that way ;P), I often just have trouble saying what I think and why I think it.

I am starting to see that life is just one huge masquerade. We get up ever morning and choose a mask to wear. Depending on the people we see we may change that mask, putting on one that will disguise us even more or one that is more revealing about who we truly are. Very rarely do we find a person who doesn't wear a mask at all.

In this day and age we seem to be almost encouraged not to be ourselves, we are bombarded from all sorts of different media telling us how we should look, dress and act and foolishly we believe it. We chase after someone else's version of who we should be and in the process we lose who we truly are.

Even in the Christian world we often cannot be who we truly are. As Christian we 'have' to be perfect people, we cannot let other people see the flaws that we have in case we give Christianity a bad name. But then in our intolerance for imperfection and our goals of being that ideal Christian we drive people away from the church. We are not a perfect people and our goal doesn't have to be an unattainable one.

The process of taking off our masks can be a painful one. I am sad to say that I have only ever taken off my mask completely to one person ever and it hurt something awful. It took weeks of striping away at my mask, slowly revealing who I truly was. And once I was done it was almost if I was standing there naked with my heart open saying 'here is my heart, accept at it or take a stab at it'. If this person had decided to reject who I was I would have to say that my life would be alot different that it is now, I would have rushed to replace my mask and added even more layers. But instead this person gathered me, and my heart, into their arms and loved me for who I was.

Yet I still have trouble, trouble revealing my heart, soul and mind to others. Yes my mask has thinned when I am around my close friends yet it is still there. There will always be parts of who I am that I will probably never share with others unless the situation presents its and even then there is the danger if they are not understanding that my mask will go on thicker then ever.

In conclusion, at least as best of one I can make, we all struggle with acceptance, how could someone ever like or love someone like me? So we become someone we are not just for the benefit of others. And in the process we lose ourselves.

My cry? You are a wonderful person, no matter what you have done. You have been made by God and you are loved by him no matter what you have done. If you are living a life that is pleasing to the Lord, one that is absent sin (that does not mean that you have to be perfect for we all have sin, but you have to be willing to see where you have gone wrong and change), then if someone cannot accept who you are and the mistakes you have made as a HUMAN BEING, then personally they are not true friends. I know who my true friends because they are willing to accept me for who I am. But how can they do that if they do not know who I am? For example, I tease other people and love being teased, but often I do not show people how sensitive I actually am. People will start to tease me and all of a sudden they say something that hurts me and instead of saying something I laugh and just add another layer on to hide my hurt. But I have come to realize that I must not lose WHO I am, the beautiful person that God made me, just to make other people like you.

Do not lose the beautiful person who you are just for the benefit of others, because, no matter what people say, YOU, my dear friend, are beautiful and if other people can't see that well that is their loss.

People might think that the saying "be yourself" is over-rated but personally it is under-rated for how many people follow that advice?

Family Meeting

Several nights ago was a night of great release and understanding for me. I finally was able to talk to and explain my thoughts and opinions with my parents and they were able to do likewise.

Now I am sure we all have things that we wish to tell or ask our parents but we are too afraid to, afraid of what they might say or afraid of what they might do, that they wouldn't understand or maybe just not care. That's what kept me, and my younger sister, from talking to our parents about certain topics. We would talk to each other about them and we eventually resolved ourselves that our parents wouldn't understand and that maybe we would/could talk to them several years later..like after we moved out. Thankfully that didn't happen as we managed to talk with them long before then.

Because I know you are all dying to hear what it was that we talked about I shall give you a breif summary. For me it was dating and hanging with my guy friends. My parents couldn't see why I still was (seemingly) actively involved with my guy friends still, which included going to Japan next year with my 'brother' as I refer to him (and it wouldn't be just with him but with a group of friends). I was able to explian to my dad who wondered why I wanted to hang out with my guy friends right after I got home with my new boyfriend that I wanted Jesse to meet all my guy friends so he would know who I was hanging out with. I still wanted to hang out with my guy friends but the situations and times I would put myself in with them would change somewhat.....for them explaining this was important because times have changed since they were dating and at first they couldn't understand why I would find it important to hang out with my guy friends still. For example when I started dating and throughout my relationship my Brother continually checks up on me...if I never hung out with him one-on-one (with my boyfriends knowledge of course) then he would never have the opportunity to ask me about stuff like that.

The other major topic included individuality, as in music (my sisters topic) and clothing (mine). My clothing style has strayed a little from what my parents believed was right, and while in some ways I am not totally proud of it, in some ways I needed that. Once again we were able to explain how times have changed a bit and how different people view things differently and that does not mean that one person is wrong or less godly then the other one. For example my mom firmly believes that skinny jeans are a sin, that it is flaunting your body in a way you shouldn't. And for her, maybe that is the truth. But from living on campus I know people, strong godly Christians, who wear skinny jeans as if they were normal jeans and they do not see that as wrong. I was finally able to come to an agreement with my parents, they will not bug me so much about my clothes, I am 19 and can make my own choices. Instead of telling me that they don't like my clothes they will simply ask if I am comfortable wearing something that.....lowcut, tight, loose, etc. For me this was a wonderful thing, to finally feel that I could make a choice without my parents judging me (which they never did, but simply were trying to protect me).

That night we also talked about schooling, drinking and tatoos, not as a major topics but good ones none-the-less. My mom and I were finally able to figure each other out, with help from my sister....my mom found out that I often take advice personally while I found out that just because my mom was giving me advice did not always mean that she saw me doing something wrong or that I needed to be corrected but because she loved me and wanted me to know this so that when the time came I would have that knowledge under my belt.

I love my parents dearly. They have done their best to raise me as God's child and have given me everything I could ever need. We don't always see eye-to eye and I am sure there will be more disputes among us, we are humans after all, but it is comforting to know that my parents love me and care for me and that they do want to understand me.

So how is your relationship with your parents doing?

Caring

I am considered, or at least I consider myself to be a very caring person. I find that (besides spending time with my boyfriend) I get the most happiness out of serving and caring for others. March 14th was pi day and for it two guys and I made 4 pies. Bringing them to the 3rd floor prayer room in res we share them among our friends. I snatched up the job of cutting and dishing out the pie and whipped cream and I think that I enjoyed doing that even more then actually eating the pies.

Although one thing that I have found out about caring is that it sometimes can hurt. Sometimes people don't want you to care for them, or at least not in the way that you care. For example I have recently discovered that one of the ways that I care for people is by worrying about them. And maybe that sounds weird but for me it is a reality, if I care about you, I will worry about you. Yet some people don't like it when I worry about them. For a while I felt really hurt when people didn't like me worrying about them and I didn't know why until I found out that when people rejected my worrying I felt that they were rejecting my love, but this isn't true, at least not always. There are different ways to show I care and I think that I need to focus on those ways instead of worrying about people, it will probably make their lives a bit easier and it will definitely make mine easier.

So how do you show you care?

Fear

One of my favorite 'get-to-know-you' games that I love to play with new friends is a question game. One person asks a random question and both (or everyone in the group) has to answer the question, including the person who asked the questions. The questions range from being very random and funny to very serious. One question that generally always comes up and for me I have been asked several time over the last several months is "What are you afraid of". I never really know what to say about this but for some reason I have been thinking about this alot lately, what am I afraid of.

I am afraid of falling. I love heights and being high up but if I do not feel secure I do not like it. I hate the sensation of falling. For this reason I am not a huge fan of floors that move when you walk on them or that you can see through or stairs with the gaps between them (unless they are really secure like the ones here at my school) because for some reason I get the feeling that at any moment they might break and I might fall.

I am afraid of pain. I do not like to hurt, either physically or emotionally. My whole family will confirm when I say that I have or at least had a low pain tolerance. I remember as a kid getting a paper cut and almost passing out because it hurt a bit, also when I got my ears pierced I almost passed out....at age 15. Thankfully I am getting better at handling pain but I still don't like it.

I am afraid of not being loved, of being alone. This can be a serious downfall for me if I am not careful because, from my past, I know that I would be willing to change myself to be more loved. I am a very affectionate person so it hurts when I know people don't like me. This is something that I am constantly working on and I am getting better on thanks to the knowledge that God will always love me, but I am still afraid of the time when those I love may not love me back, which may be silly because I know that those who truely do love me would never do that, but it still is a fear for I know that if those I love ever no longer love me back, how will I ever be able to believe in love again?

I am afraid of broken promises. I am afraid that when people promise me something, that for some reason something will happen that they will not be able to fulfill their promises, that their promises will be broken. Little promises I am not that concerned about being broken, they still are important but it is the big ones that I am afraid of falling through the cracks. Similarly with the previous paragraph I feel that if these promises that are so important to me are broken, how will I ever be able to believe in them, both the promises and people who make them again?

Besides that I am not scared of things like others. Having a sister who loved the outdoors and creepy crawlies and lived in the country for several years, bugs and snakes and other things don't scare me. I am not afraid of animals or the dark, I don't get claustrophobic, I don't like being in small areas with a bunch of people but I can live with it. I am more afraid of the things that I can't see, I am afraid of the emotional aspect of life. Throughout my life I have been getting better at conquering these fears, but some of them I feel might always be there.

I must forever pray for God to give me strength and power over these fears so that I might not let these fears have power over me.

So what are you afraid of?

Happiness

What is happiness? True happiness? And how can you tell if you are truly happy?

When I was in my early or midteens I went through a period in my life where I tried to make it seem like I was always happy. I would refrain from showing any true emotion other then happiness. I could be angry or sad but you wouldn't be able to tell. I could be having the worst day of my life but if you were to ask me how I was doing I would have just smiled and say that I was doing great and then turn the topic to you and how you were doing and what was new with you. I was slowly adding layers onto my mask and eventually there were so many layers that were so thick that I no longer really knew what true happiness was.

During this time God really made himself known to me. It has been a slow process and even now I will struggle with being open with my emotions. I still occasionally stuggle with being more open with my emotions but it is something that I am working on and that God is helping me with and working on me through others who ask me how I am doing and who truely seem to care about me and how I feel, whether it is good or bad.

Lately I have been feeling really happy and this has caused me to wonder what is happiness? And what makes me happy? I think for me happiness comes from not being stressed, from feeling at peace with myself, with the people around me, and with God.

I find that when I am really happy, I get the giggles easily, I have a ton of energy, I am definately ticklish and I feel like I am on top of the world not matter what happens. And I have been feeling alot of this lately.

So what makes you feel happy and how do you show it?

Popping Bubbles

You know my very first blog post and this blog in general is about the bubbles that I have and will blow in my life, the memories that I will and have made and the experiences that I have experiences. Many of these bubbles have been happy as I continue my second semester at a Christian school 900+ kilometers away from home. But as will all things in life not everything is perfect.

Recently a bubble that I blew popped. Why? - maybe I had been squeezing it too hard or maybe just because it was time - however it happened I think I managed to get some of the soapy suds in my eye. So what am I going to do now? What do you do during the tough times in your life? Well I have several solutions. I can pretend that all is well and that I am not hurt and put on my 'I'm terrific, how are you?' and forget about myself and my problems like I have been prone to do in my past. I can bury myself in my school work and just withdraw from other things - after all it would be nice to bump up my 2 C's and 1 C+ to somewhere in the B or even A range this semester. Or maybe I can just accept the fact that I am hurting, deal with it and yes perhaps even lead a normal life. That last one sounds like the best but it also sounds like the hardest considering my habits over the past several years involved me hiding aways anything that would make me feel or give the impression that I am less then happy. But do you know what? It is okay to hurt - if is a fact of life, and sometimes its okay to be selfish and think about yourself once in a while.

I have pin pointed why I feeling so confused last last week and dealt with it and now that I have I think I will continue to journal. Not only is it a good excuse to go over to the coffee shop next door and order my favorite drink of White Hot Chocolate but it helps me to have a sense of peace and it a way that I really enjoy talking to God.

Anyways - back to homework and this tasty chocolate cake with marvolous icing and a cherry filling!

So what do you do when your 'bubbles' pop?

New Year

It is the begining of a new year, a new semester and lately I've been thinking.......actually I don't know what I have been thinking lately - lately my brain has been feeling like it is outta comission, that is isn't really working or that part of it has taken a holiday and left me behind.

Ever get that feeling?

On a side note I have started to journal again. I used to journal almost everyday and then stopped for a year and then started again - did that a couple times until I stopped a couple years ago. I have always found journaling a great way for me just to understand how exactly I am feeling and thinking, understand it better, and, if it is anything less then postitive, deal with it. I also find it a great way to talk and think about things that I wouldn't share with others. I'm not journaling everyday but just when I feel like it and I have found that it is very peacefull and helps me to clear my head and feel less stress.

So do you journal? Why or why not? How do you deal with emotions that you don't openly share with others?

Future

As the new year approaches and I reach another milestone in my still short life a lot of things are starting to come into question, especially as the matter of my future comes into light. Now personally I would be totally happy with getting married, settling down, raising a family and being a stay at home mom but I am too practical and know that it could be a while. It's not like I can go to a store and pick out a life plan and a husband and then commence the rest of my life...although the idea sounds kinda nice............

I've been thinking a lot about where I want to go, what I want to do, yet always trying to be aware of where God might be calling me and where His will for me lies but often it is so hard to hear his voice or to try to pick out which is His voice and which is just the world and which is just you and what you want.

And then of course there is family and friends who have there own ideas of what you should do or who are hoping that you'll go somewhere or become something or are at least close to them.

Sometimes - like to day I wonder 'What is the meaning of life?' I know ultimately it is to praise God but besides that life basically seems to be about trying to earn money so we can provide for ourselves and be comfortable before we die and of course to try to achieve true happiness though many different things (family, job, money, friends, 'religion' etc.) and sometimes we can, especially those of us who have a strong faith but is that all life is about? It just seems to be a big circle - yes I am going to say it - a circle of life, of people living and dying and striving to be better or to get something better and to find their purpose in life.


Sometimes thinking like this makes me want to cry...sometimes I feel frustrated...occasionally I have had the feeling of wanting to take something breakable and smash it or see if I squeezed it hard enough it would break in my hands I did that with a plastic communion cup once).....and sometimes I just start feeling like just another ant in an ant hill following a line and freaking out when the path is broken, yet I eventually find a way around it....I just need to find my way around this one.

So here I am on Boxing day, contemplating, thinking, waiting, wondering.....and hoping my head won't explode with all of it.

So what have you been pondering lately?

Ever Get the Feeling....?

Ever get the feeling that someone doesn't like you? And in a way you don't care but then in a way it still hurts a bit?
Ever get the feeling that no matter how many people are around you, you are still alone?
Ever get the feeling that you want to cry an ocean but the tears won't come or you don't want to show weakness to others?
Ever get the feeling that someone is watching you and when you turn around no one is there?
Ever get the feeling that no one is actually listening to you or what you have to say isn't as important as the next person?
Ever get the feeling that no matter how much you study you still won't do that hot on that test?
Ever get the feeling that you're feeling to much?

I am a strong feeler, on a recent personality test that I took I scored 95% feeler and 5% thinker which sounds just about right. And while I love and rely on my feelings a lot and they help me to be in-touch with most of those around me I sometimes get the feeling that I feel too much, that if I didn't feel so much I wouldn't get hurt or maybe be able to understand things or people better. Or maybe I've just been thinking too much.

So what have you been feeling lately?