Dear Diary....

Now I only have 10 official followers and since I haven't been keeping up to date on this here blog I don't even know how many of them actually read this regularly. But the more I think about it at the rate I'm going at this blog almost seems like a journal or diary.

Remember when you were a kid, mostly likely the girls will associate with this one better then the others, and you had a diary? I remember my first diary. I got it from my aunt (along with this gorgeous strawberry bubble bath) and it was hot pink and fuzzy. I only wrote in it an average once a year and I think I may still have the pages around here somewhere....as my roommate from last year can tell you, I like to hoard things.

As I got older I started a prayer journal that I kept up steady for at least a year. At first it was just me writing down the Lord's Prayer and the 'Now I lay me down to sleep' poem, but as weeks progressed I started to add my own personal thoughts. Eventually it was a journal that I used to talk about the good times and the bad times, but mostly the bad times. Things that were frustrating or stressing me out, who I was hopelessly in love with (and by that I mean that it was hopeless), who made me angry, cry or laugh. After I filled up a book I would through it out. It was my way of committing everything that I wrote to God. Sure it may have been cool to look back on it someday and reread everything but if I recall correctly it mostly consisted of me when I was upset. Over time I have learned to bring both the good and the bad the God and perhaps journaling would be a good thing to start up again.

Well now you know a bit more about the inner me, something that not many people know but also something I hope to slowly change.

Hopefully I can catch you up to where I am in my life currently and keep you interested at the same time. So did you every have a diary or journal? What did you use it for?

Taking off the Mask

This is something that I have been thinking a lot about lately. And I am going to try to put my thoughts into words, I don't know how intelligible it will be and perhaps I will just end up running around in circles and if it just sounds like a bunch of gibberish I apologize, I would definitely not place myself among the intellectual of my friends (sometimes falling back to the "ignorance is bliss" saying when I don't want to have a deep theological talk with my friends) yet I don't think I'm shallow (at least I hope I don't come across that way ;P), I often just have trouble saying what I think and why I think it.

I am starting to see that life is just one huge masquerade. We get up ever morning and choose a mask to wear. Depending on the people we see we may change that mask, putting on one that will disguise us even more or one that is more revealing about who we truly are. Very rarely do we find a person who doesn't wear a mask at all.

In this day and age we seem to be almost encouraged not to be ourselves, we are bombarded from all sorts of different media telling us how we should look, dress and act and foolishly we believe it. We chase after someone else's version of who we should be and in the process we lose who we truly are.

Even in the Christian world we often cannot be who we truly are. As Christian we 'have' to be perfect people, we cannot let other people see the flaws that we have in case we give Christianity a bad name. But then in our intolerance for imperfection and our goals of being that ideal Christian we drive people away from the church. We are not a perfect people and our goal doesn't have to be an unattainable one.

The process of taking off our masks can be a painful one. I am sad to say that I have only ever taken off my mask completely to one person ever and it hurt something awful. It took weeks of striping away at my mask, slowly revealing who I truly was. And once I was done it was almost if I was standing there naked with my heart open saying 'here is my heart, accept at it or take a stab at it'. If this person had decided to reject who I was I would have to say that my life would be alot different that it is now, I would have rushed to replace my mask and added even more layers. But instead this person gathered me, and my heart, into their arms and loved me for who I was.

Yet I still have trouble, trouble revealing my heart, soul and mind to others. Yes my mask has thinned when I am around my close friends yet it is still there. There will always be parts of who I am that I will probably never share with others unless the situation presents its and even then there is the danger if they are not understanding that my mask will go on thicker then ever.

In conclusion, at least as best of one I can make, we all struggle with acceptance, how could someone ever like or love someone like me? So we become someone we are not just for the benefit of others. And in the process we lose ourselves.

My cry? You are a wonderful person, no matter what you have done. You have been made by God and you are loved by him no matter what you have done. If you are living a life that is pleasing to the Lord, one that is absent sin (that does not mean that you have to be perfect for we all have sin, but you have to be willing to see where you have gone wrong and change), then if someone cannot accept who you are and the mistakes you have made as a HUMAN BEING, then personally they are not true friends. I know who my true friends because they are willing to accept me for who I am. But how can they do that if they do not know who I am? For example, I tease other people and love being teased, but often I do not show people how sensitive I actually am. People will start to tease me and all of a sudden they say something that hurts me and instead of saying something I laugh and just add another layer on to hide my hurt. But I have come to realize that I must not lose WHO I am, the beautiful person that God made me, just to make other people like you.

Do not lose the beautiful person who you are just for the benefit of others, because, no matter what people say, YOU, my dear friend, are beautiful and if other people can't see that well that is their loss.

People might think that the saying "be yourself" is over-rated but personally it is under-rated for how many people follow that advice?

Real Food

Aaaahh......its been 5 days since my wisdom teeth have been pulled out, my painkillers are practically gone, the stitches are starting to fall out and everything is starting to heal....its good to be able to eat again. Not that I objected to only eating icecream, pudding (I have discovered that my favorite is banana!) and jello but after several days these special treats aren't so special and you start craving something with more substance.

Which makes me think about reading. I love reading, historical fiction and non-freaking mysteries are my favorites...and the typical girlie girl comes out and adds fairy tales to that list as well. Yet while fiction is great to read sometimes I find that I get tired of it and I crave something with more substance. I am starting to read a daily devotional book that I received at my graduation ceremony last year. I haven't gotten into the habit of reading it daily yet but I am working on it. Just like everyday we need to eat something that will benefit us and our bodies so we should be reading something that will benefit our minds and our souls too.

And in saying that I think I will go do my devotions before I read another chapter in the mystery book I am currently reading......

So what have you been reading lately?

Summer Plans

Well I had several plans for my summer. My plan A was to apply for jobs around spring break and hopefully have a part-time job that could become a full-time job during the summer, or maybe take a second part-time job if that didn't work out. I would live with several awesome girls from res and live right across from Walmart (yah!). Then I found out that I had to have my wisdom teeth out sometime in the early summer, my parents didn't want me to get a job during the school year (I needed to focus more on my studies, and they definitely right in this area) and they wanted me to come home for the summer.

Okay, so that plan didn't turn out. So I cam home and waited a couple weeks for my appointment with the dentist, I applied for about 20 jobs. Because it suddenly appeared as an option and my parents felt a bit better about it, I applied for a couple jobs on the Island where we used to live. One was at Butchart Gardens where one of my good friends worked, we thought that I might be able to live with her, but her family was downsizing their house and their grandparents were moving in so that was out of the question.

Next option: About 4 years ago my mom, sister and I all got jobs at this gorgeous organic blueberry farm. My mom suggest that I try to apply there again. Some reason feeling that this is what I needed to do I promptly googled the farm and emailed them. I got a quick response saying that they did have job openings. I then sent several questions about the job, pay and perhaps a place to stay and then.....heard nothing. Plan C was dead.

Plan D? My boyfriend was working in Edmonton at a job that was a little rough but it paid really well and they were looking for more workers and since his dad was connected with the company chances of me getting a job would be high. Now being a young girl in a city my parents thought it would be wise to either go with my sister or a friend. My friend just so happened was able to get a job volunteering with some vets and since it was something that would help her work towards her career I was happy for her and it was okay that she decided to not go. My sister pretty much was already accepted to be a paid worker at a summer camp, which she would enjoy much more then being stuck in Edmonton working. So part 3 of plan D? Find a place for me to stay on my own....only not on my own really because it just isn't that sensible for a young girl/women to be so close to her boyfriend of only a couple short months....not to mention having my own place...but then I don't want to live too far away from him in case someone follows me home or I have creepy landlords :P.....compromise? none to be found, at least not smart or reasonable ones!

Here I thought that my summer was not going to work out and then guess what! Plan C suddenly popped into the picture again! I was able to secure the job, and a place to stay with my old neighbors for really cheap! It was all looking super good until a couple hours ago. The job won't start for 2 months. And since it is only about a 7 week job (that still pays well) it throws a money wrench into the only part of the summer that I had really planned out and was hoping to fulfill. I was going to work until mid-August, go to E-town for a couple days (West Ed Mall here I come!), volunteer at a camp for a week with my boyfriend and leave for Calgary a week and a half early to get settled into the big city groove and hang with friends. So if I was to continue on with the plan I would only get about 4 weeks of work in and that isn't nearly enough to make it worth while.

Am I disappointed? Yes. Frustrated? Definitely was on Saturday. Now? Right now I am just wondering if God had been doing this all to me to try to teach me a lesson.....one that I had thought I learned a while back but I obviously haven't since I just realized it. I need to remember that yes, I can make plans but in the end I have to be willing to let those plans be led by God. Maybe if I had asked for God's advice and guidance before I wouldn't be so frustrated with how my summer has been going so far and maybe things would be making a lot more sense.

I know that my plans are not always God's plans and sometimes I hate that but my plans have been failing pretty much since plan A. Some may say that its because my parents have said this, that, and the other thing and because I am now a legal adult in both BC and Alberta I can make my own choices. But I greatly value my parents opinions, and as much as I sometimes don't like to admit it, they make great points and are often right, not to mention I wholeheartedly believe in honouring my parents and that God often speaks to us through other people in our lives. So personally that's not the issue here.

So God, if your reading this...I have learned my lesson. I am gonna stop trying to be a control freak with my summer, here I am now, taking a deep breathe and shakily opening my heart, mind and soul for your guidance.

Fear

One of my favorite 'get-to-know-you' games that I love to play with new friends is a question game. One person asks a random question and both (or everyone in the group) has to answer the question, including the person who asked the questions. The questions range from being very random and funny to very serious. One question that generally always comes up and for me I have been asked several time over the last several months is "What are you afraid of". I never really know what to say about this but for some reason I have been thinking about this alot lately, what am I afraid of.

I am afraid of falling. I love heights and being high up but if I do not feel secure I do not like it. I hate the sensation of falling. For this reason I am not a huge fan of floors that move when you walk on them or that you can see through or stairs with the gaps between them (unless they are really secure like the ones here at my school) because for some reason I get the feeling that at any moment they might break and I might fall.

I am afraid of pain. I do not like to hurt, either physically or emotionally. My whole family will confirm when I say that I have or at least had a low pain tolerance. I remember as a kid getting a paper cut and almost passing out because it hurt a bit, also when I got my ears pierced I almost passed out....at age 15. Thankfully I am getting better at handling pain but I still don't like it.

I am afraid of not being loved, of being alone. This can be a serious downfall for me if I am not careful because, from my past, I know that I would be willing to change myself to be more loved. I am a very affectionate person so it hurts when I know people don't like me. This is something that I am constantly working on and I am getting better on thanks to the knowledge that God will always love me, but I am still afraid of the time when those I love may not love me back, which may be silly because I know that those who truely do love me would never do that, but it still is a fear for I know that if those I love ever no longer love me back, how will I ever be able to believe in love again?

I am afraid of broken promises. I am afraid that when people promise me something, that for some reason something will happen that they will not be able to fulfill their promises, that their promises will be broken. Little promises I am not that concerned about being broken, they still are important but it is the big ones that I am afraid of falling through the cracks. Similarly with the previous paragraph I feel that if these promises that are so important to me are broken, how will I ever be able to believe in them, both the promises and people who make them again?

Besides that I am not scared of things like others. Having a sister who loved the outdoors and creepy crawlies and lived in the country for several years, bugs and snakes and other things don't scare me. I am not afraid of animals or the dark, I don't get claustrophobic, I don't like being in small areas with a bunch of people but I can live with it. I am more afraid of the things that I can't see, I am afraid of the emotional aspect of life. Throughout my life I have been getting better at conquering these fears, but some of them I feel might always be there.

I must forever pray for God to give me strength and power over these fears so that I might not let these fears have power over me.

So what are you afraid of?

Happiness

What is happiness? True happiness? And how can you tell if you are truly happy?

When I was in my early or midteens I went through a period in my life where I tried to make it seem like I was always happy. I would refrain from showing any true emotion other then happiness. I could be angry or sad but you wouldn't be able to tell. I could be having the worst day of my life but if you were to ask me how I was doing I would have just smiled and say that I was doing great and then turn the topic to you and how you were doing and what was new with you. I was slowly adding layers onto my mask and eventually there were so many layers that were so thick that I no longer really knew what true happiness was.

During this time God really made himself known to me. It has been a slow process and even now I will struggle with being open with my emotions. I still occasionally stuggle with being more open with my emotions but it is something that I am working on and that God is helping me with and working on me through others who ask me how I am doing and who truely seem to care about me and how I feel, whether it is good or bad.

Lately I have been feeling really happy and this has caused me to wonder what is happiness? And what makes me happy? I think for me happiness comes from not being stressed, from feeling at peace with myself, with the people around me, and with God.

I find that when I am really happy, I get the giggles easily, I have a ton of energy, I am definately ticklish and I feel like I am on top of the world not matter what happens. And I have been feeling alot of this lately.

So what makes you feel happy and how do you show it?