Dear Diary....

Now I only have 10 official followers and since I haven't been keeping up to date on this here blog I don't even know how many of them actually read this regularly. But the more I think about it at the rate I'm going at this blog almost seems like a journal or diary.

Remember when you were a kid, mostly likely the girls will associate with this one better then the others, and you had a diary? I remember my first diary. I got it from my aunt (along with this gorgeous strawberry bubble bath) and it was hot pink and fuzzy. I only wrote in it an average once a year and I think I may still have the pages around here somewhere....as my roommate from last year can tell you, I like to hoard things.

As I got older I started a prayer journal that I kept up steady for at least a year. At first it was just me writing down the Lord's Prayer and the 'Now I lay me down to sleep' poem, but as weeks progressed I started to add my own personal thoughts. Eventually it was a journal that I used to talk about the good times and the bad times, but mostly the bad times. Things that were frustrating or stressing me out, who I was hopelessly in love with (and by that I mean that it was hopeless), who made me angry, cry or laugh. After I filled up a book I would through it out. It was my way of committing everything that I wrote to God. Sure it may have been cool to look back on it someday and reread everything but if I recall correctly it mostly consisted of me when I was upset. Over time I have learned to bring both the good and the bad the God and perhaps journaling would be a good thing to start up again.

Well now you know a bit more about the inner me, something that not many people know but also something I hope to slowly change.

Hopefully I can catch you up to where I am in my life currently and keep you interested at the same time. So did you every have a diary or journal? What did you use it for?

Annoyance

Do you know one thing that really annoys me? When people talk about me when I'm not around, or more specifically when people talk negatively or criticize me when I am not around (I don't mind if you are saying nice things about me ;P). I am guessing most people feel this way, or just don't care, but this is one of the few things that really annoy me.

I guess my biggest problem with it is that I used to hate it when people criticized me or gave me advice because I felt that they were judging me and that basically I just wasn't good enough for them. Now I want to hear that advice because I know that often, while there might not always be total truth to what is being said often there is at least a hint of it and this advice will help me to grow. So how am I supposed to grow if you talk to everyone but me about the mistakes I've made or how I need to change? How is THAT of all things supposed to help me? And if it just so happens that what you are thinking and saying is more fiction then fact, what do you think you are doing to others opinion of me?

Last semester I had several of my friends who were a tad worried and upset about a relationship that I started rather hastily, and all things considered they were a right, but from my view then and now, it was the right place for me to be and still is. What was sad was that only a small amount of them actually approached me with their concerns and I am so happy they did and feel so loved by them. I now understand why most of them didn't talk to me about it (for reason like they didn't want to show disapproval or hurt my feeling etc) but back then I didn't understand especially when I heard through the grapevine that so-and-so said this or that. So I did the stupid thing, instead of talking to my friends about it I ran off and focused my attention elsewhere aka my new boyfriend (which only went to prove some points that they had made). Near the end of the semester I finally realized that oh....maybe I should go to my friends and talk to them about this and let them know that I want to hear what they have to say. So before school started I went to a couple of my closest friends and talked to them about my thoughts and feelings on the topic and they did they same. It was very freeing and I am sad that I didn't get a chance to talk or explain it to everyone.

So the lesson that I learned is that sometimes I need to ask for help or advice instead of expecting it to be given.....a lesson that I finally was starting to learn during my Grade 12 (Math made so much sense when you actually asked the teacher for help)

So what annoys you? What lessons have you learned lately?

Taking off the Mask

This is something that I have been thinking a lot about lately. And I am going to try to put my thoughts into words, I don't know how intelligible it will be and perhaps I will just end up running around in circles and if it just sounds like a bunch of gibberish I apologize, I would definitely not place myself among the intellectual of my friends (sometimes falling back to the "ignorance is bliss" saying when I don't want to have a deep theological talk with my friends) yet I don't think I'm shallow (at least I hope I don't come across that way ;P), I often just have trouble saying what I think and why I think it.

I am starting to see that life is just one huge masquerade. We get up ever morning and choose a mask to wear. Depending on the people we see we may change that mask, putting on one that will disguise us even more or one that is more revealing about who we truly are. Very rarely do we find a person who doesn't wear a mask at all.

In this day and age we seem to be almost encouraged not to be ourselves, we are bombarded from all sorts of different media telling us how we should look, dress and act and foolishly we believe it. We chase after someone else's version of who we should be and in the process we lose who we truly are.

Even in the Christian world we often cannot be who we truly are. As Christian we 'have' to be perfect people, we cannot let other people see the flaws that we have in case we give Christianity a bad name. But then in our intolerance for imperfection and our goals of being that ideal Christian we drive people away from the church. We are not a perfect people and our goal doesn't have to be an unattainable one.

The process of taking off our masks can be a painful one. I am sad to say that I have only ever taken off my mask completely to one person ever and it hurt something awful. It took weeks of striping away at my mask, slowly revealing who I truly was. And once I was done it was almost if I was standing there naked with my heart open saying 'here is my heart, accept at it or take a stab at it'. If this person had decided to reject who I was I would have to say that my life would be alot different that it is now, I would have rushed to replace my mask and added even more layers. But instead this person gathered me, and my heart, into their arms and loved me for who I was.

Yet I still have trouble, trouble revealing my heart, soul and mind to others. Yes my mask has thinned when I am around my close friends yet it is still there. There will always be parts of who I am that I will probably never share with others unless the situation presents its and even then there is the danger if they are not understanding that my mask will go on thicker then ever.

In conclusion, at least as best of one I can make, we all struggle with acceptance, how could someone ever like or love someone like me? So we become someone we are not just for the benefit of others. And in the process we lose ourselves.

My cry? You are a wonderful person, no matter what you have done. You have been made by God and you are loved by him no matter what you have done. If you are living a life that is pleasing to the Lord, one that is absent sin (that does not mean that you have to be perfect for we all have sin, but you have to be willing to see where you have gone wrong and change), then if someone cannot accept who you are and the mistakes you have made as a HUMAN BEING, then personally they are not true friends. I know who my true friends because they are willing to accept me for who I am. But how can they do that if they do not know who I am? For example, I tease other people and love being teased, but often I do not show people how sensitive I actually am. People will start to tease me and all of a sudden they say something that hurts me and instead of saying something I laugh and just add another layer on to hide my hurt. But I have come to realize that I must not lose WHO I am, the beautiful person that God made me, just to make other people like you.

Do not lose the beautiful person who you are just for the benefit of others, because, no matter what people say, YOU, my dear friend, are beautiful and if other people can't see that well that is their loss.

People might think that the saying "be yourself" is over-rated but personally it is under-rated for how many people follow that advice?

Stereotyped

My sister made a remark earlier in the week, mostly out of humour but it is so true. Both her and I are members of three stereotyped people. We are first of all adopted, second of all pastors kids and third of all we are homeschoolers. Combine that in to one person (or actually two since its both of us) and you have a person that everyone thinks they can understand and explain. So just because I was adopted into a pastors' family and homeschooled my whole life means that you can understand me? Ha! Fat chance! So this blog will be devoted to me clearing up the stereotypes I have been placed in and maybe you'll get to know a little bit more about who I am as a person and not just someone who fits into a category.

Of course going to University this year the pastors' kids stereotype wasn't that bad because a good number of the kids were either a pk or mk. But I have had other instances when people have found out that I am a pk and instantly put me into this group. I am a pastors kid so I have to be perfect, I have to act a certain way and the way that I act is because I am a pastors kid and not because it is actually who I am. Oh and I am going to rebel. Just because I am a pk, I am going to end up rebelling and doing something stupid because all pk's do it eventually right? Because we are so confined we are going to runaway from all that and become someone totally different, right? Wrong. Perhaps that is true about some, maybe many pk's but you know what? I act they way that I act because that who I am. Yes, alot of how I act is influenced by my parents and the church, after all I have people watching me to see if I screw up, as well as people who are watching me and wanting to be like me (like the kids in the preschool class that I worked in). So yes the church is influential in my life but it is not who I am.

Another BIG stereotype is being a schooled at home. One of my favorite videos about homeschooling is found here: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000161649158&v=box_3#!/video/video.php?v=126113226496&ref=share it's on facebook so I apologize to those of you who don't have facebook. I once had someone come down on me, actually my parents, because I was homeschooled. I was a bit shocked and so didn't have time to explain, plus we were in a group of people so a big arguement about me and my family wouldn't be the funnest way to spend the evening. But one reason that I was homeschooled is that in my childhood I had both ADD and ADHD which meant that it was really hard for me to go to school. For a period in grade 1 I actually did attend a Christian school but it was not a good experience for me and so my parents pulled me out. Yes being a pastors kid and homeschooled means that I am more sheltered then most, but you know what? I'm okay with that and I am so blessed that my mom put so much work into me. Unlike some kids, my mom refused to put me on medication to help with my ADD or ADHD problems and instead pretty much trained them out of me, helped me find ways to focus and concentrate. Also I am happy that I was protected from the world of school. I hear lots of bad things both from friends and the news and you know what? I don't believe you have to experience something to know whether it is right or wrong. When the time comes and you have Christ in your heart you will know what is right and wrong and how to handle it. Of course that is my thoughts. Also, unlike most homeschooled kids I did online school, which is actually becoming quiet popular. So I had real teachers, real tests, and I went to a school to do my provincials and I had a grad ceremony and have my grade 12 diploma just as if I had gone to a real school. And guess what? At the same time I was able to spend more time with my family and, if I was ahead in my studies (yes I had due dates as well) then I could take the day off. Oh and I never 'went to school' in my pjs and I worked on my classes from 9am until 3pm with a lunch break and a walk-the-dog recess. I'm a normal kid.

Adopted. Now this is an interesting topic. I don't often bring up this fact but it has come up more and more lately, mostly because people will ask how old my oldest sister is and when they hear she is 39 and that my youngest sister is 17 they usually get this funny look across their faces. Now one thing that I find both amusing and annoying is when people as "What does it feel like being adopted?" it both makes me want to laugh and glare and humourously answer "How does it feel to not be adopted?" I won't go into details now about my adoption story but I will tell you it is one of the foundations of my faith because I see it as a miracle in my life. My parents treat me and love me the same as one of their own kids and I love them and treat them the same as my own parents. Very rarely have I thought about me being adopted because I feel no different then you would feel living with your natural parents. Sure, unlike my little sister, I have memories of when I was a kid before being adopted (even though I was only 3) but I love my family now and as far as I am concerned they are my only and true parents.

So here I am.... yah, I am different then the average kid, sure I may be a bit weird, yes I can be naive but you know what? I wouldn't change my life for the world (its too messed up anyways :P). I am proud to be who I am and I am ME, not a pastors kid, not adopted, not a homeschooler but ME, those labels are only aspects of my life and not just who I am. Perhaps they have helped make me who I am but they are not me, make sense?

So what stereotypes are you in and how do you handle it?

Family Meeting

Several nights ago was a night of great release and understanding for me. I finally was able to talk to and explain my thoughts and opinions with my parents and they were able to do likewise.

Now I am sure we all have things that we wish to tell or ask our parents but we are too afraid to, afraid of what they might say or afraid of what they might do, that they wouldn't understand or maybe just not care. That's what kept me, and my younger sister, from talking to our parents about certain topics. We would talk to each other about them and we eventually resolved ourselves that our parents wouldn't understand and that maybe we would/could talk to them several years later..like after we moved out. Thankfully that didn't happen as we managed to talk with them long before then.

Because I know you are all dying to hear what it was that we talked about I shall give you a breif summary. For me it was dating and hanging with my guy friends. My parents couldn't see why I still was (seemingly) actively involved with my guy friends still, which included going to Japan next year with my 'brother' as I refer to him (and it wouldn't be just with him but with a group of friends). I was able to explian to my dad who wondered why I wanted to hang out with my guy friends right after I got home with my new boyfriend that I wanted Jesse to meet all my guy friends so he would know who I was hanging out with. I still wanted to hang out with my guy friends but the situations and times I would put myself in with them would change somewhat.....for them explaining this was important because times have changed since they were dating and at first they couldn't understand why I would find it important to hang out with my guy friends still. For example when I started dating and throughout my relationship my Brother continually checks up on me...if I never hung out with him one-on-one (with my boyfriends knowledge of course) then he would never have the opportunity to ask me about stuff like that.

The other major topic included individuality, as in music (my sisters topic) and clothing (mine). My clothing style has strayed a little from what my parents believed was right, and while in some ways I am not totally proud of it, in some ways I needed that. Once again we were able to explain how times have changed a bit and how different people view things differently and that does not mean that one person is wrong or less godly then the other one. For example my mom firmly believes that skinny jeans are a sin, that it is flaunting your body in a way you shouldn't. And for her, maybe that is the truth. But from living on campus I know people, strong godly Christians, who wear skinny jeans as if they were normal jeans and they do not see that as wrong. I was finally able to come to an agreement with my parents, they will not bug me so much about my clothes, I am 19 and can make my own choices. Instead of telling me that they don't like my clothes they will simply ask if I am comfortable wearing something that.....lowcut, tight, loose, etc. For me this was a wonderful thing, to finally feel that I could make a choice without my parents judging me (which they never did, but simply were trying to protect me).

That night we also talked about schooling, drinking and tatoos, not as a major topics but good ones none-the-less. My mom and I were finally able to figure each other out, with help from my sister....my mom found out that I often take advice personally while I found out that just because my mom was giving me advice did not always mean that she saw me doing something wrong or that I needed to be corrected but because she loved me and wanted me to know this so that when the time came I would have that knowledge under my belt.

I love my parents dearly. They have done their best to raise me as God's child and have given me everything I could ever need. We don't always see eye-to eye and I am sure there will be more disputes among us, we are humans after all, but it is comforting to know that my parents love me and care for me and that they do want to understand me.

So how is your relationship with your parents doing?

Random....

I must say that I love doing fun quizzes and surveys....Yes I am wierd. But then it is a fun way to find out more about yourself and let others know more about you are. I stole this from a friends blog (hope you don't mind Katelyn!) and here is me!

Will you be single over summer?
Nope! Doing the long distance summer thing....its been two weeks and already I miss my boy so much. Yes i am pathetic, I know it and am not afraid to admit is

Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
Well the last person I kissed was my mother so the answer to that would have to be no.

Is there someone you want to fight?
Andrew Love! We still need our fight to the death.....

Where do you wanna live when you grow up?
Athens....I love that city....or maybe some place close to home...Or Calgary....Or an acreage on Vancouver Island...Or Vancouver sounds cool.......

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?
In Edmonton....way too far away for my liking

Would you date someone three years older than you?
Yes I would....although I have never dated anyone older then me (in my defense I have only ever dated twice and they have been less then a year younger then me!)

Would you get married if you could right now?
Yes I would :D

Do you consider yourself spoiled?
Spoiled but not spoiled rotten as I like to say!

Would you rather have your parents catch you having sex or smoking weed?
as a pastors daughter I would have to say neither.....both sound like bad ideas to be caught doing...or doing in general

Who were you last on the phone with?
Tara! My big sis!

Would you ever take someone back after they cheated on you?
Probably not.....only if I knew I could trust them and that they had changed and learned a lesson

Do you miss your past?
Some of it....We all have mistakes that we have made that we'd rather not relive but then I have had many great experiences and memories that I have loved and miss....it happens when you move an average of every 3 years

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
My mom? Yup! I love my mommy!

Ever been kissed by someone whose name starts with an R?
Hmmm.....Nope

Could you see yourself dropping out of High School?
Thankfully I have finished highschool and didn't drop out....and I don't think I could....

Would you ever get a tattoo?
Maybe...but it would have to have a really special meaning to it...and most likely would not be very big or noticeable...and I might pass out while getting it.....

Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?
Most definitely

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
I have never smoked so I would say I could

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Jesse! if online counts....otherwise it was my mother...Had a wonderful talk with my mom all morning

How was your weekend?
Okay....could have been better but what can you say after getting wisdom teeth out, taking pain killers, and trying to sort out jobs and living conditions as well as hang time with family, friends as well as that special someone?

What did you do yesterday?
Chilled...

Are you a mean person?
I would say no....I hope you think so....

According to your ex, are you a bitch?
I would say no

Do you ever get "good morning" texts from anyone?
Yes..I get "good morning beautiful" texts almost every morning.....

Where is your cell phone?
beside my bed which I am on

Who last texted you?
Jesse Schmidt

Have you done any thing embarrassing lately?
Not that I am aware of...

Are you a bad influence?
I think I am a good influence...unless my crazy and quirky ways around my friends can be considered to be a bad influence.... :D

Has anyone ever called you baby?
I don't think so....

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
Hmmmm....I think Jesse

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow?
Only long enough to swallow a painkiller pill for my missing wisdom teeth

What is something you disliked about your day?
The fact that I have no idea when my job will start and if I will be seeing much of my family, friends or boyfriend this summer

Did you date anyone last summer?
Not really..I started dating about 2 weeks before summer was over.

Do you hate being alone?
Sometimes...I love being with people that I love but sometimes I just need some private time

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
same thing as now...blogging in bed

Excited for anything?
My sister coming home from a weekend away, finding out when I start my job and sorting out holidays and days off.

Have you ever dated the same person twice?
Nope...Considering there has only ever been 2 guys over about 8 months

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
My sister....she can make me laugh even through texts....

Did anyone yell at you out of a window today?
Nope

Did you have a good day yesterday?
Nope, frustrating day with painkillers, emotions, and jobs and housing, or lack of it

Did you fall asleep in someones arms last night?
Nope

Whats the next big life decision you will have to make?

Where to work and live for the summer

Do you want to please everyone?
Often...but I am getting better at that

How many people have you hugged in the past week?
about 4 differnt people...home is so much more quiet then at school....

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Most likely.....sadly

Do you laugh a lot?
I'd say so!

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Yes

What are you craving at the moment?
Shrimp, Pad Thia, mashed turnip with butter, pepper and salt, ham....real food. Icecream and pudding are fun but after a few days you start to miss real food

Are you in a good mood right now?
Yes

Who can always cheer you up?
My little sis or Boyfriend

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
Yes

Who was the last person you sat on the couch with?
hmmm....my best friend I think

What is bothering you right now?
Not knowing the detail of my summer..and its already several weeks into it!!

Did you take a nap today?
kinda....didn't sleep but chilled

Do you think you would be able to handle being in the military?
I think so!! :D

Would you rather have the ability to fly or the ability to read minds?
Read minds...but then be able to turn it off it I wanted to...otherwise fly

Last place you held someone’s hand?
Greyhound Bus stop

Would you date someone who lived in another province?
I am

Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
If you mean a friend then Yes, if you mean love then No. Not all people were meant to Marry (such as Paul in the Bible)

Missing You

So I haven't been updating my blog a lot lately but with my wisdom teeth putting me outta commission temporarily I have some free time. I have finished my second semester and first year at University. And in retrospect I have had a wonderful year.

Hightlights would consist of:

• Building Snowmen - my fun friend Michelle and I had fun in the snow and built a handsome snowman, unfortunately he was drop-kicked and destroyed (which kinda looked cool but when you spend several hrs working on a master piece you don't want to see it destroyed right after) but a bunch of our awesome floor brothers helped us recreate him. A while later Michelle, Heidi and Andrew K. and I all make a huge snow woman who must have been about 9feet tall. Andrew, who was tall had to stand on a chair and stretch to fit the head on. Lots of fun in the snow!
• Christmas Banquet - while I didn't go with a date I went with some awesome friends and the theme of the banquet was awesome! It was a Maquerade! Like from phantom of the Opera! I had fun with it and made my own dress (which was technically an assignment for my Theatre Class) and a cool matching mask. The food was awesome and the entertainment was entertaining!
• LotR- Yes I watched Lord of the Rings for the first time in my life as well as several other movies that I have never seen and people are shocked to hear that...and there are many movies to go...any suggestions?
• Boyfriend - definitely a highlight, I started dating this guy who is commonly known as Pajama Boy for wearing pajama pants to school. He is also known to be one of the kindest guys you will ever meet and is just a sweetheart. I have also found out that he is a very fast runner and will follow through with his threats...the reason I have been thrown into a snowbank about 3 times....I guess I might have deserved it.....
  
• Brother - I got a brother this year! Being 1 of 4 daughter I have no brothers but was adopted by Andrew Love as his little sister...who is only a couple months younger then him. He scolds me when he needs to, we have fun coffee times, are still planning a fight to the death (him being a vampire and me being a werewolf and all [previous blog post explains that]) and I make him laugh and give into almost anything with my cutsie girl act (why doesn't this work on Jesse though?) NOTE: My brother is not to be confused with my sisters 'brothers'. Her brothers are not mine, mine is not hers and neither of her brothers or mine are related to each other. Simple as that.
  
• Friends - Friends as always are fun. I have been teased for almost every reason, mostly by my roommate and an old friend from camp. Together my friends from Ambrose have had awesome times as we have played many different games, shared jokes, gone on hikes and just grown together. I also had an awesome time when my Abbotsford friends and a friend from Vancouver Island came to visit me!
• Playing Sports - Every semester we had at least 1 intermural sport. I was involved in both flag-football where I had the joy of scoring my first ever touch down again my profs (yes we get to play our profs in our school - beat that!) and futsal (indoor soccer) where I had fun playing as much as I could and getting some really nice bruises. Also throughout the year it was fun to play futsal, basketball and frisbee with my friends and schoolmates!
• Coffee Times - Waves Coffee House was finished and ready for business in the second semester and I must say that it was an awesome place to go to for a nice cup of white hot chocolate (YES!!) and a nice long talk with my sister, my brother, my friends or just on my own to study.
• Growing - Finally (because there are many other highlights but these cover the majority I suppose) I found that it was fun to see how each of my friends grew in their own ways, how their lives changed, some in big ways some in small. I also found that I grew in many ways too....all but in height that is. Ambrose was a great time of learning more about who God wanted me to be as a student, friend, sister, and as myself. I learned many valuable lessons both in the class room and out of it and am glad that I decided to come here

I have really enjoyed my first year as a University Student, from staying up for all hours, going to a pub for the first times (for cheap chicken wings and coke instead of beer of course), to hanging with friends to going for walks and talking to God. Ambrose has been a place of Love, Laughter and Learning and this summer I am really missing everyone and everything there but am looking forward to the new memories, adventures and lessons that the new school year will bring.

So how was your year? What were your highlights?

Don't Wanna!

"BUT I DON'T WANNA!!"

Ever get the urge to scream those words? Or maybe just say them? We all have something that we don't want to do. And more likely then not we all have something that we don't want to do but we know that we have to do, or at least should do. I am having one of those times.

So is there something that you don't wanna to do? Whatcha gonna do 'bout it?

Hot Water and Masks

There is not much that I enjoy better then a nice long hot shower, unless it it a nice long hot bath with music, tea, cookies and a good book! Not only does a shower make you feel clean but I find it feels like the hot water is washing away my troubles and stress. It is a place that I can freely think, one of the places where I feel free to be 100% myself, whether that means that I am crying away hurts or humming and singing to my own little tune.

Sometimes it is nice to take off the mask that you wear around other people. Sure there may be some people who you act yourself around but are you ever 100% yourself even with them? We all seem to have some inner desire to want other people to like us, to have others think better of us and often we can doubt that the true us will do that.

I have slowly been working on taking off my mask layer by layer, but sometimes it feels like it has been glued on with superglue. So lately I have been taking lots of late night hot showers to comtemplate life, my life, my future, my friends, who I am and where I am going.

So is there a place that you like to go to think and just be yourself?

Popping Bubbles

You know my very first blog post and this blog in general is about the bubbles that I have and will blow in my life, the memories that I will and have made and the experiences that I have experiences. Many of these bubbles have been happy as I continue my second semester at a Christian school 900+ kilometers away from home. But as will all things in life not everything is perfect.

Recently a bubble that I blew popped. Why? - maybe I had been squeezing it too hard or maybe just because it was time - however it happened I think I managed to get some of the soapy suds in my eye. So what am I going to do now? What do you do during the tough times in your life? Well I have several solutions. I can pretend that all is well and that I am not hurt and put on my 'I'm terrific, how are you?' and forget about myself and my problems like I have been prone to do in my past. I can bury myself in my school work and just withdraw from other things - after all it would be nice to bump up my 2 C's and 1 C+ to somewhere in the B or even A range this semester. Or maybe I can just accept the fact that I am hurting, deal with it and yes perhaps even lead a normal life. That last one sounds like the best but it also sounds like the hardest considering my habits over the past several years involved me hiding aways anything that would make me feel or give the impression that I am less then happy. But do you know what? It is okay to hurt - if is a fact of life, and sometimes its okay to be selfish and think about yourself once in a while.

I have pin pointed why I feeling so confused last last week and dealt with it and now that I have I think I will continue to journal. Not only is it a good excuse to go over to the coffee shop next door and order my favorite drink of White Hot Chocolate but it helps me to have a sense of peace and it a way that I really enjoy talking to God.

Anyways - back to homework and this tasty chocolate cake with marvolous icing and a cherry filling!

So what do you do when your 'bubbles' pop?

New Year

It is the begining of a new year, a new semester and lately I've been thinking.......actually I don't know what I have been thinking lately - lately my brain has been feeling like it is outta comission, that is isn't really working or that part of it has taken a holiday and left me behind.

Ever get that feeling?

On a side note I have started to journal again. I used to journal almost everyday and then stopped for a year and then started again - did that a couple times until I stopped a couple years ago. I have always found journaling a great way for me just to understand how exactly I am feeling and thinking, understand it better, and, if it is anything less then postitive, deal with it. I also find it a great way to talk and think about things that I wouldn't share with others. I'm not journaling everyday but just when I feel like it and I have found that it is very peacefull and helps me to clear my head and feel less stress.

So do you journal? Why or why not? How do you deal with emotions that you don't openly share with others?

WHY?

Time for another midnight posting. Yes I know it is not midnight right now but in Alberta (my second home) it almost is and I feel like it is midnight and once again my thoughts are going deep.

Why? Why do we think so much? Like I know that we have brains and thinking is good, but is is possible to think to much? IS there such a think as over-analyzing something and at what point is it healthy to think about something and at what point does it become over-analyzing?

Maybe I am just a tad prejudiced about thinking because it is not something that I do much - I mean not something that do it purposefully just for fun. I don't see the point in philosophizing about the finer points of life or debating about minor (or major) details. I don't know why we have to know everything about how the world works, how life exists and why. I understand that some of this is good and that perhaps most of it is good but have we gone to far in trying to figure out the structure of the universe?

Is ignorance bliss? and is okay to be ignorant? Is it weird to know that you are ignorant and like it? I know that I am ignorant of many things, and some of those things I am happy that I don't know a ton about.

Maybe I am thinking too deep again...maybe that's why I have a headache (or maybe it is just a cold that I am catching)....

So what do you think about philosophy? And am I making any sense (and do I ever make any sense?)?

Future

As the new year approaches and I reach another milestone in my still short life a lot of things are starting to come into question, especially as the matter of my future comes into light. Now personally I would be totally happy with getting married, settling down, raising a family and being a stay at home mom but I am too practical and know that it could be a while. It's not like I can go to a store and pick out a life plan and a husband and then commence the rest of my life...although the idea sounds kinda nice............

I've been thinking a lot about where I want to go, what I want to do, yet always trying to be aware of where God might be calling me and where His will for me lies but often it is so hard to hear his voice or to try to pick out which is His voice and which is just the world and which is just you and what you want.

And then of course there is family and friends who have there own ideas of what you should do or who are hoping that you'll go somewhere or become something or are at least close to them.

Sometimes - like to day I wonder 'What is the meaning of life?' I know ultimately it is to praise God but besides that life basically seems to be about trying to earn money so we can provide for ourselves and be comfortable before we die and of course to try to achieve true happiness though many different things (family, job, money, friends, 'religion' etc.) and sometimes we can, especially those of us who have a strong faith but is that all life is about? It just seems to be a big circle - yes I am going to say it - a circle of life, of people living and dying and striving to be better or to get something better and to find their purpose in life.


Sometimes thinking like this makes me want to cry...sometimes I feel frustrated...occasionally I have had the feeling of wanting to take something breakable and smash it or see if I squeezed it hard enough it would break in my hands I did that with a plastic communion cup once).....and sometimes I just start feeling like just another ant in an ant hill following a line and freaking out when the path is broken, yet I eventually find a way around it....I just need to find my way around this one.

So here I am on Boxing day, contemplating, thinking, waiting, wondering.....and hoping my head won't explode with all of it.

So what have you been pondering lately?

Waiting

For the past 2 1/2 hours I have been sitting in the Calgary airport. I was only to have waited for 1.5 hours but it just so happened that there was a delay in the flight. And unfortunately my brain is already half dead from finishing exams this week (first semester at University done!!) so I have not felt up to my usually contemplation of life, the world and all things good and evil so instead have wasted time on facebook, talking to friends here and there (well that is not really a waste of time) and sipping on a rootbeer float from A&W. Speaking of which you really need to try a A&W rootbeer milkshake - I love them and they are great for dipping fries into.

So here I am...sitting, waiting for my flight so that I can head home. I am a bit tired but still sooo excited to be heading home to my family and friends!

So what are you waiting for?

What is Love

I pretty much always enjoy having long talks with friends about life. And while I may not always agree with how they view things it causes me to think in more detail. For while I can think (which may be a shock to some of you I know) I rely more on my feelings then my thoughts. For example in all professional personality tests I am always an F - a feeler

A while back I had a nice talk with one of my friends out here in Calgary. I unfortunately was half asleep and slightly stressed so I wasn't able to think as much as I would have liked to but the conversation we had remains in the back of my mind as well as the question that came up. Is Love a choice or is it involuntary? After our conversation I cannot say for sure that either one is correct. In fact I believe that love can be both. For example the love that parents have for their children is involuntray. Yet then we choose to love God and we choose to 'love' our neighbors. We also choose when we don't want to love someone. But then what about falling in love? Is that a choice that you make or is it automatic? If it is a choice then how do you know that you made the right choice when marrying someone, or if it is automatic is it from God or just your hormones and thoughts pumping overtime?

I have not had much experience in love myself, outside my family, church and group of my friends, and alot of what I believe in comes from my own experiences or the experiences of those around me. But I do have a wonderful boyfriend (Matthew Stinson) who I must say that I love a lot. So was this love a choice or did it just happen? If I recall correctly it was one of those things that just happened. I had known him for a couple years now and while the first time I saw him I thought he was kinda cute I didn't ever expect that I would actually end up liking him in that way, in fact on time I was afraid that he might like me and tried to avoid him for a while because I just wanted to be friends. Last winter I had decided to give up on guys for a while and finally just rejoice in my singleness and that it is possible to be just friends with guys. Ha! Well that didn't last long for as spring rolled around I started to like Matt as more then just a friend, although, as my best friend will testify, I strongly denied for a while that I liked him. I feel that this feeling that I had came around on its own (or from some higher source =D) but I admit that I went along with it, I could have chosen to stop this feeling but I didn't. And finally ('cause if you know me you know that Matt is my first boyfriend and actually the first person to actually ask me out...unless you count those grade 1 and 5 encounters) it all worked out as that August he asked me out and I said yes. We now have been dating for 4 months and I'm as happy as ever.

So what do you think, is all love a choice? Or just some of it? Why do you think so?

Are You Listening?

So today being Remembrance Day I, along with several friends, headed out to a Remembrance day service after which we discussed life as well as minor details of it. Following we meet up with 2 more students/friends which was soon followed by an afternoon and evening of shopping during which I was able to find some Albertian clothes (BC clothes do not cut it out here as it slowly starts to get colder =P) for cheap prices!

Tonight being floor meeting we did our normal traditions, announcements, socializing followed by one of the girls on the floor giving us a bit of a talk sharing a bit about her life and a bit of her conversations with God as read from her journal. Strangely, or not so strangely, a lot of what she said resonated with me. Nearing the end we were given a small project in which we were asked to grab a sheet of paper and pencils or coloured pencils and our Bibles and have our own conversation with God and write it down, or doodle/draw.

Before she was finished I had already started my conversation that went like this:
Me: God, where are you?
God: I am with you
Me: But why can't I hear you then?
God: Are you listening?
Me: I try Lord, but how do I know what is you and what is my friends, family or even me?
God: My plan is perfect, it will bring you happiness, hope and a future
This reminded me of the verse from Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord 'plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future'" and then I heard the words that have been a constant reminder to me "TRUST ME" followed by "I AM who I say I AM and I will do what I say I will do."

So to whom or what have you been listening to lately? And what are they saying?

Ashley

Midnight Musings

So since coming to University/College I haven't had too many early nights...most have been quite late actually but then most of them have been worth it as I make new friends and grow closer to others. I also find that late at night is the time that I end up thinking the most...or at least I think very deeply at these times. Now whether this is a good thing or not I have yet to find out but since I can still wake up in time to get ready and be on time for classes I am okay with my late night musings for now.

What has struck and stuck to me more and more lately is how complicated life actually is. As the intelligent humans that we are (or assume to be), we try to simplify everything in life. Yet there is not always a certain "Yes" or "No" to every question or situation that arises and sometimes there may be no right answer...or maybe there is no wrong answer. What do you do in that kind of situation...I wonder.

Another thing that often pops into my mind these late nights is how little I know. Yes I am a teenager, a young adult who is admitting that I don't know everything (drat). and no matter how much I study, how long I attend school, there will always be something I do not know. For example I have done at least 12, yes at LEAST 12 years, of bible studies both with my family and on my own yet even after these many years it astounds me how little I actually know about the Bible...how can you fit so much knowledge into one little (depending on the size of your Bible that is) book? Will I ever be able to understand everything? Most likely not...but is it even possible? I wonder.....

So what do you think about late at night?

Ashley