Changes

Well it is only the second month of the new year and already so many of my plans and different aspects of my life has changed. Some of it has brought tears and frustration, some of it has brought smiles and laughter and some of it has brought both.

To summarize briefly, I broke up with the first boyfriend that I ever had and had been dating via long distance for 5 months, decided to stay out in Calgary for the summer (if I can find a job and actually start to earn some money) as well as maybe work at a camp out here, decided to make a program change (but to what I am not sure yet) and I started to date a guy out here. And everything that has been changing in my life I have felt that it has been a total God thing.

My former relationship was with a great guy with a great heart and love for the Lord and others but it was not where I was supposed to be and I was not able to handle the distance with so short of time that we had been dating and the personality that I have.

If God opens up a job out here for me it will just be further proof that this is where I should be as I already might have several friends who would be willing to rent a house with me this summer and the next school year, or I can just stay in res for cheap! I can also get paid to work up at a camp near here and the neat thing is that the camp is situated on a lake that I used to go to with my family when I was a kid.

I really feel called to stay at this school but I want to get started on a career so am going to change programs and have started a series of meetings with the career counselor here.

And my newest relationship, well I knew Jesse a bit last semester as we were in a group together for a school Halloween party and went to church together but this semester we really started to hang out together and he was really supportive and always there to listen and talk to, as well as give good Godly advice as I thought about school and my life and before you knew it we started dating and I feel that this is a good thing for me.

My life is still changing and most likely will continue to change and will always be changing. I just need to remember to incorporate God into these changes and hopefully they will be for the better and not for the worst. I need to make sure that I am opening my life up to the changes that God has in store for me and be willing to surrender everything that I have into his hands.

So what changes have you been experiencing in 2010?

Don't Wanna!

"BUT I DON'T WANNA!!"

Ever get the urge to scream those words? Or maybe just say them? We all have something that we don't want to do. And more likely then not we all have something that we don't want to do but we know that we have to do, or at least should do. I am having one of those times.

So is there something that you don't wanna to do? Whatcha gonna do 'bout it?

Hot Water and Masks

There is not much that I enjoy better then a nice long hot shower, unless it it a nice long hot bath with music, tea, cookies and a good book! Not only does a shower make you feel clean but I find it feels like the hot water is washing away my troubles and stress. It is a place that I can freely think, one of the places where I feel free to be 100% myself, whether that means that I am crying away hurts or humming and singing to my own little tune.

Sometimes it is nice to take off the mask that you wear around other people. Sure there may be some people who you act yourself around but are you ever 100% yourself even with them? We all seem to have some inner desire to want other people to like us, to have others think better of us and often we can doubt that the true us will do that.

I have slowly been working on taking off my mask layer by layer, but sometimes it feels like it has been glued on with superglue. So lately I have been taking lots of late night hot showers to comtemplate life, my life, my future, my friends, who I am and where I am going.

So is there a place that you like to go to think and just be yourself?

Letting Go Just To Hold On

Sometimes, when you hold tight you onto something instead of being able to keep it you end up losing it because your grip was to strong. Sometimes you actually have to let go of it to be able to keep it.

There is something that I need to let go of so that I can keep something special to me, but sometimes it is hard, it is hard to let go.

So are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?

Popping Bubbles

You know my very first blog post and this blog in general is about the bubbles that I have and will blow in my life, the memories that I will and have made and the experiences that I have experiences. Many of these bubbles have been happy as I continue my second semester at a Christian school 900+ kilometers away from home. But as will all things in life not everything is perfect.

Recently a bubble that I blew popped. Why? - maybe I had been squeezing it too hard or maybe just because it was time - however it happened I think I managed to get some of the soapy suds in my eye. So what am I going to do now? What do you do during the tough times in your life? Well I have several solutions. I can pretend that all is well and that I am not hurt and put on my 'I'm terrific, how are you?' and forget about myself and my problems like I have been prone to do in my past. I can bury myself in my school work and just withdraw from other things - after all it would be nice to bump up my 2 C's and 1 C+ to somewhere in the B or even A range this semester. Or maybe I can just accept the fact that I am hurting, deal with it and yes perhaps even lead a normal life. That last one sounds like the best but it also sounds like the hardest considering my habits over the past several years involved me hiding aways anything that would make me feel or give the impression that I am less then happy. But do you know what? It is okay to hurt - if is a fact of life, and sometimes its okay to be selfish and think about yourself once in a while.

I have pin pointed why I feeling so confused last last week and dealt with it and now that I have I think I will continue to journal. Not only is it a good excuse to go over to the coffee shop next door and order my favorite drink of White Hot Chocolate but it helps me to have a sense of peace and it a way that I really enjoy talking to God.

Anyways - back to homework and this tasty chocolate cake with marvolous icing and a cherry filling!

So what do you do when your 'bubbles' pop?

New Year

It is the begining of a new year, a new semester and lately I've been thinking.......actually I don't know what I have been thinking lately - lately my brain has been feeling like it is outta comission, that is isn't really working or that part of it has taken a holiday and left me behind.

Ever get that feeling?

On a side note I have started to journal again. I used to journal almost everyday and then stopped for a year and then started again - did that a couple times until I stopped a couple years ago. I have always found journaling a great way for me just to understand how exactly I am feeling and thinking, understand it better, and, if it is anything less then postitive, deal with it. I also find it a great way to talk and think about things that I wouldn't share with others. I'm not journaling everyday but just when I feel like it and I have found that it is very peacefull and helps me to clear my head and feel less stress.

So do you journal? Why or why not? How do you deal with emotions that you don't openly share with others?

WHY?

Time for another midnight posting. Yes I know it is not midnight right now but in Alberta (my second home) it almost is and I feel like it is midnight and once again my thoughts are going deep.

Why? Why do we think so much? Like I know that we have brains and thinking is good, but is is possible to think to much? IS there such a think as over-analyzing something and at what point is it healthy to think about something and at what point does it become over-analyzing?

Maybe I am just a tad prejudiced about thinking because it is not something that I do much - I mean not something that do it purposefully just for fun. I don't see the point in philosophizing about the finer points of life or debating about minor (or major) details. I don't know why we have to know everything about how the world works, how life exists and why. I understand that some of this is good and that perhaps most of it is good but have we gone to far in trying to figure out the structure of the universe?

Is ignorance bliss? and is okay to be ignorant? Is it weird to know that you are ignorant and like it? I know that I am ignorant of many things, and some of those things I am happy that I don't know a ton about.

Maybe I am thinking too deep again...maybe that's why I have a headache (or maybe it is just a cold that I am catching)....

So what do you think about philosophy? And am I making any sense (and do I ever make any sense?)?