Caring

I am considered, or at least I consider myself to be a very caring person. I find that (besides spending time with my boyfriend) I get the most happiness out of serving and caring for others. March 14th was pi day and for it two guys and I made 4 pies. Bringing them to the 3rd floor prayer room in res we share them among our friends. I snatched up the job of cutting and dishing out the pie and whipped cream and I think that I enjoyed doing that even more then actually eating the pies.

Although one thing that I have found out about caring is that it sometimes can hurt. Sometimes people don't want you to care for them, or at least not in the way that you care. For example I have recently discovered that one of the ways that I care for people is by worrying about them. And maybe that sounds weird but for me it is a reality, if I care about you, I will worry about you. Yet some people don't like it when I worry about them. For a while I felt really hurt when people didn't like me worrying about them and I didn't know why until I found out that when people rejected my worrying I felt that they were rejecting my love, but this isn't true, at least not always. There are different ways to show I care and I think that I need to focus on those ways instead of worrying about people, it will probably make their lives a bit easier and it will definitely make mine easier.

So how do you show you care?

Fear

One of my favorite 'get-to-know-you' games that I love to play with new friends is a question game. One person asks a random question and both (or everyone in the group) has to answer the question, including the person who asked the questions. The questions range from being very random and funny to very serious. One question that generally always comes up and for me I have been asked several time over the last several months is "What are you afraid of". I never really know what to say about this but for some reason I have been thinking about this alot lately, what am I afraid of.

I am afraid of falling. I love heights and being high up but if I do not feel secure I do not like it. I hate the sensation of falling. For this reason I am not a huge fan of floors that move when you walk on them or that you can see through or stairs with the gaps between them (unless they are really secure like the ones here at my school) because for some reason I get the feeling that at any moment they might break and I might fall.

I am afraid of pain. I do not like to hurt, either physically or emotionally. My whole family will confirm when I say that I have or at least had a low pain tolerance. I remember as a kid getting a paper cut and almost passing out because it hurt a bit, also when I got my ears pierced I almost passed out....at age 15. Thankfully I am getting better at handling pain but I still don't like it.

I am afraid of not being loved, of being alone. This can be a serious downfall for me if I am not careful because, from my past, I know that I would be willing to change myself to be more loved. I am a very affectionate person so it hurts when I know people don't like me. This is something that I am constantly working on and I am getting better on thanks to the knowledge that God will always love me, but I am still afraid of the time when those I love may not love me back, which may be silly because I know that those who truely do love me would never do that, but it still is a fear for I know that if those I love ever no longer love me back, how will I ever be able to believe in love again?

I am afraid of broken promises. I am afraid that when people promise me something, that for some reason something will happen that they will not be able to fulfill their promises, that their promises will be broken. Little promises I am not that concerned about being broken, they still are important but it is the big ones that I am afraid of falling through the cracks. Similarly with the previous paragraph I feel that if these promises that are so important to me are broken, how will I ever be able to believe in them, both the promises and people who make them again?

Besides that I am not scared of things like others. Having a sister who loved the outdoors and creepy crawlies and lived in the country for several years, bugs and snakes and other things don't scare me. I am not afraid of animals or the dark, I don't get claustrophobic, I don't like being in small areas with a bunch of people but I can live with it. I am more afraid of the things that I can't see, I am afraid of the emotional aspect of life. Throughout my life I have been getting better at conquering these fears, but some of them I feel might always be there.

I must forever pray for God to give me strength and power over these fears so that I might not let these fears have power over me.

So what are you afraid of?

Happiness

What is happiness? True happiness? And how can you tell if you are truly happy?

When I was in my early or midteens I went through a period in my life where I tried to make it seem like I was always happy. I would refrain from showing any true emotion other then happiness. I could be angry or sad but you wouldn't be able to tell. I could be having the worst day of my life but if you were to ask me how I was doing I would have just smiled and say that I was doing great and then turn the topic to you and how you were doing and what was new with you. I was slowly adding layers onto my mask and eventually there were so many layers that were so thick that I no longer really knew what true happiness was.

During this time God really made himself known to me. It has been a slow process and even now I will struggle with being open with my emotions. I still occasionally stuggle with being more open with my emotions but it is something that I am working on and that God is helping me with and working on me through others who ask me how I am doing and who truely seem to care about me and how I feel, whether it is good or bad.

Lately I have been feeling really happy and this has caused me to wonder what is happiness? And what makes me happy? I think for me happiness comes from not being stressed, from feeling at peace with myself, with the people around me, and with God.

I find that when I am really happy, I get the giggles easily, I have a ton of energy, I am definately ticklish and I feel like I am on top of the world not matter what happens. And I have been feeling alot of this lately.

So what makes you feel happy and how do you show it?

Changes

Well it is only the second month of the new year and already so many of my plans and different aspects of my life has changed. Some of it has brought tears and frustration, some of it has brought smiles and laughter and some of it has brought both.

To summarize briefly, I broke up with the first boyfriend that I ever had and had been dating via long distance for 5 months, decided to stay out in Calgary for the summer (if I can find a job and actually start to earn some money) as well as maybe work at a camp out here, decided to make a program change (but to what I am not sure yet) and I started to date a guy out here. And everything that has been changing in my life I have felt that it has been a total God thing.

My former relationship was with a great guy with a great heart and love for the Lord and others but it was not where I was supposed to be and I was not able to handle the distance with so short of time that we had been dating and the personality that I have.

If God opens up a job out here for me it will just be further proof that this is where I should be as I already might have several friends who would be willing to rent a house with me this summer and the next school year, or I can just stay in res for cheap! I can also get paid to work up at a camp near here and the neat thing is that the camp is situated on a lake that I used to go to with my family when I was a kid.

I really feel called to stay at this school but I want to get started on a career so am going to change programs and have started a series of meetings with the career counselor here.

And my newest relationship, well I knew Jesse a bit last semester as we were in a group together for a school Halloween party and went to church together but this semester we really started to hang out together and he was really supportive and always there to listen and talk to, as well as give good Godly advice as I thought about school and my life and before you knew it we started dating and I feel that this is a good thing for me.

My life is still changing and most likely will continue to change and will always be changing. I just need to remember to incorporate God into these changes and hopefully they will be for the better and not for the worst. I need to make sure that I am opening my life up to the changes that God has in store for me and be willing to surrender everything that I have into his hands.

So what changes have you been experiencing in 2010?

Don't Wanna!

"BUT I DON'T WANNA!!"

Ever get the urge to scream those words? Or maybe just say them? We all have something that we don't want to do. And more likely then not we all have something that we don't want to do but we know that we have to do, or at least should do. I am having one of those times.

So is there something that you don't wanna to do? Whatcha gonna do 'bout it?

Hot Water and Masks

There is not much that I enjoy better then a nice long hot shower, unless it it a nice long hot bath with music, tea, cookies and a good book! Not only does a shower make you feel clean but I find it feels like the hot water is washing away my troubles and stress. It is a place that I can freely think, one of the places where I feel free to be 100% myself, whether that means that I am crying away hurts or humming and singing to my own little tune.

Sometimes it is nice to take off the mask that you wear around other people. Sure there may be some people who you act yourself around but are you ever 100% yourself even with them? We all seem to have some inner desire to want other people to like us, to have others think better of us and often we can doubt that the true us will do that.

I have slowly been working on taking off my mask layer by layer, but sometimes it feels like it has been glued on with superglue. So lately I have been taking lots of late night hot showers to comtemplate life, my life, my future, my friends, who I am and where I am going.

So is there a place that you like to go to think and just be yourself?

Letting Go Just To Hold On

Sometimes, when you hold tight you onto something instead of being able to keep it you end up losing it because your grip was to strong. Sometimes you actually have to let go of it to be able to keep it.

There is something that I need to let go of so that I can keep something special to me, but sometimes it is hard, it is hard to let go.

So are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?